Friends vs. Family Part 2

Hello Everyone,

Below please find part two of my sister-in-law's thoughts on why relationships with our friends can be more successful than relationships with our family.

CO-
This brings me to the topic of family. I believe that family should be respected and viewed on the same level we would give to a close friend to be successful.  However, we usually fail for several reasons.  Family is something we do not choose. We are born into our family. We are usually able to choose our spouse therefore to some degree we also choose their family. Unfortunately most, usually do not consider the family they will be marrying into. At the risk of sounding tacky I would like to say that we get stuck with the family we have. Family is harder work than any friendship will ever be. I think this is because we can choose our friends and enjoy them, but family tends to operate differently. We are supposed to love our families despite any characteristics they have that become unappealing to us. We do not get to out grow them, or let them fall away when we suddenly have nothing in common with them any longer. Our brother will always be our brother. Our sister will always be our sister, and our mother will always be our mother, and hopefully, done right, our spouse will always be our spouse.

In most cases I think families are more complicated and harder to get along with. I do believe our families love us, or at least the family that we are connected to by blood loves us. However, I also think that our family tends to forget that we are people too. Rather, they see us as the daughter, the son, the niece, the nephew, or the grandchild. I know this sounds like I am reaching and stretching this to make a point, but I do believe there is a difference. It is as though there is a chain of command and everyone has a title over a name. It is set up in the family from the beginning of our lives that our authority is our parent, and their authority is there parents, and so on. There are other authorities over us though they are lesser because what mom and dad say comes first. We are taught to listen to our aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I am not saying this is a bad thing. What I am saying is that as we mature and become adults, our families do not let loose of their authoritative roles in our lives. Rather than letting us go to live our life, make our mistakes, and be happy for our successes they try to continue to control us. The sad thing is that as adults if we do not do things the way they think we should then suddenly we are not honoring them. I have found that manipulation runs rampant in families and I have yet to meet a family that does not do this to some degree. Families set up expectations of us that are not achievable. It is kind of like a snare set up for failure and I do not even think they are aware of the fact that they do it. Sometimes they demand more from us than we are able to give. Our families haven't any qualms about being judgmental toward us and often they lack understanding, and have no interest in gaining any because they have already decided they know what is going on and how to fix it, when they probably don't.
 
To Be Continued......
The Minion

 

Friends vs Family Part 1

Hello everyone,

Several months ago, my sister-in-law, CO, sent me an email regarding why sometimes our relationships with our friends are more successful than our relationships with our family.  This is a little long so I am going to break it up in parts.  I think she has some pretty insightful things to say.

CO-
Friendships vs. Family Relationships
Why is one more successful over the other?

This is a difficult topic to write about, because many of my opinions would vary depending on the friend or family member I am relating these opinions too, but I am going to try to generalize some of what I am writing.

I believe that friends are more accepting of who we are as people. They are less likely to be judgmental of our everyday lives and as the old saying goes "Birds of a feather flock together." Our friends tend to be of a like mind with the things we believe or the actions we typically carry out in our lives. Unfortunately our friendships also tend to be forged from within our own social statuses. It would be difficult (not impossible) for a friendship to be forged from two separate environments socially.

Have you ever noticed how we grow out of some friendships and they fall away after some time? For example, I noticed when I married how the majority of my friends fell to the wayside and given time I had to develop other friends after my new social standing changed. The difference was I was now married and no longer a part of the single crowd. My single friends only wanted to go bar happing, drink, and various other "single minded" activities. I could no longer take part in these things with them. So naturally I no longer fit into these peoples lives. Their interest in me quickly faded, and visa versa due to the lack of common ground that we once shared. Other instances change our social status such as having children, church involvement, financial gain and or loss, and I could go on but I think we get the point. Of course these friends were generally more superficial and the so called love we shared only went skin deep so to speak. The ease in the termination of these friendships also causes me to wonder if we were every really friends in the first place, but that would be another topic all together.

(Let me add that I do think some friends are put in our lives for a short time and some are for a long time.  If you find your friendships changing over time.  That's OK.  I think this agrees with what CO is saying.)
I have had a blessing in life to have a friend that I consider to be more my family than anything. By family I mean that this person will always love me and be a part of my life regardless of the direction my life takes. (Good or bad) Our friendship is successful do to the fact that we completely accept one another, flaws and all. Even when we disagree with one another we have a mutual understanding that the disagreement does not change our acceptance of the other. We respect one another and value each others presences in our lives. There have been times when I have seen this friend making choices that may not have been the smartest thing to do. Being that we are as close as we are, I am able to voice my concerns with her. However, that does not mean she will take my advice or warning. The only thing I can do if things go badly for her is be there for her, be encouraging, and sometimes help pick up the pieces in love. What else are friends truly for except to be there for one another in bad times and enjoy them in the good times? Enjoying their company is only a benefit of friendship but not its purpose when it comes to being that close to a friend.

I believe true friends are bound by a type of love. We have a successful friendship because we choose to act in love toward one another, and a big part of that is not being judgmental toward each other when we mess up. We also do not hold grudges and even forgive each other easily when we have said or done something to offend each other. I am an only child in my family, so I do not know what it is like to have a brother or sister. I imagine for myself that this friend is probably the closest thing I will ever have to a sibling. We have known each other since junior high school and we have been close for longer than P and I have been married. Just as much as I could not imagine my life without P, I also could not imagine not having this friend in my life. It is also nice to be able to talk to someone I can trust about problems that is not on the inside of my family circle. Sometimes it is good to discuss problems with someone that can stay objective because they are not on the inside of what is going on in my world.

To Be Continued.....
The Minion