My Greatest Failure

Today, I want to talk about failure.  Now, most of the time I try to write positive and upbeat blogs.  When I read what I write, it challenges me to be a better person.  I have always said that if what you see from me is the best you ever see then that is a tragedy because I should get better every day.  But failure is inevitable in life.  We all go through it at some point.  So how do we deal with it?  Does it hurt?  Absolutely.  Do I wish I hadn't failed?  Sure.  Did I fail?  Yes.  Let me use one of my favorite lines from the movie Dirty Dancing, "When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."  You have to own your failures and successes.

See, I am recently divorced.  I made a commitment before God to stay married to a woman for the rest of my life.  It was a covenant that I couldn't keep.  Now I won't go into all the reasons behind the divorce itself because they aren't important.  Some of my readers know me personally and thus will know my now, ex-wife.  Let me say something about her before I go forward.  I wish her only the best and most happy days in life.  I have done my best to walk through this divorce with integrity and honor.  Have I always been successful?  No.  But this lady, deserves to be happy.  She is a wonderful mother to our three kids and I am very sorry things didn't work out between us.  I want to publicly forgive her for any wrong doing toward me and I ask the same from her.  This is my greatest failure in life.

Do you want to hear all the juicy details of what happened?  Would you like me to blame my wife for our marriage falling apart?  Well, I won't tell you because those things are personal.  Let me just use an old saying, "It takes two to Tango."  We both made mistakes and here we are.

So now let's deal with how it made me feel.  Last Friday was one of the hardest and most rewarding days of my life.  Although we have been separated for over a year and I knew the final divorce decree was coming, I still didn't really believe it.  So when the pressure of the week was over, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized that I gave my word to my God and to that lady and I didn't keep it.  I hope you cannot imagine the deep pain I felt.  For a little while, I felt like a complete failure.  What things in your life have caused you to feel this way?  Was it a relationship that ended badly?  Was it a failure at your job or at school?  Regardless of where it comes from, it still really hurts.

When you get that sinking feeling in your gut because of something like this, doesn't it make you just want to run away and hide from everyone?  I mean who would want to be around someone that was a total failure like me?  I told myself that I was the biggest loser ever.  That I had wrecked my life, the life of my kids and my ex-wife.  I was well on my way to beating myself senseless because of my failure.  I threw a world class guilt party.  I was the guest of honor, the entire guest list, the guy who trashes the guest of honor and the guy who throws him in the dumpster at the end of the party.  I invited a very special guest to this party and He wouldn't come.  Can you imagine the audacity of being invited to the Destroy the Minion party and not coming?  That was certainly rude don't you think?  Do you know who the only guest that I actually invited was?  It was God.  I wanted him to condemn me just like I was doing to myself.  I wanted him to tell me that I was worthless and no good just like I was telling myself.

Now, I asked him to forgive me and I knew that he would at some point maybe a few months from now after I really got a thrashing.

When I finally listened to his still small voice, all I could feel was his love for me.  It is a love that I will never, ever deserve but it's there.  I can't escape it.  Do you know when he actually forgave me for my greatest failure?  When did He finally forgive me for breaking a covenant that I made in front of Him?  The instant I asked for it.  I didn't have to wait three weeks.  It was instantaneous.  He knew before the foundation of the world that I would make mistakes and he forgave me as soon as I asked.  That is the reason Jesus shed his blood on the cross.  It was to erase my sin.  If I asked God to forgive me now, he wouldn't know what I was talking about because He is a forgive and forget God.  He doesn't hold these things against me.  Guess what, when you ask Him for forgiveness, He does the same thing toward you.  He loves you unconditionally, no matter what, all the time, forever and ever with every fibre of His being.  He only wants good things for your life and He can take our bad mistakes and turn them into something good.  He doesn't want the bad mistakes because He hates to see us in the pain that they cause but He has a million ways to make things OK.

Back to the Guilt Party - It's fine that God forgave me but I am still at this party.  After all, if he won't have the decency to show up, I will do his job for him.  I will beat myself silly.  I can call myself all kinds of ugly names.  I mean I know all my deepest, darkest secrets and who better than me to dredge them all up and use them against me now.  Here is my major problem with this.  If God won't condemn me and trash me out, what right do I have to do it.  If he is willing to extend forgiveness to me what right do I have to keep holding the grudge against myself?  So here's what I did.  At 4:24 on Friday, July 29, 2011, I forgave myself.  When it happened, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.  I felt so light and good.  I felt like it was OK for me to be happy again.  All of the sudden the world turned right side up.  God totally wrecked my party and I am so glad He did.

Have you ever felt this way?  I have watched many people do this to themselves so I know that I am not alone.  I think most of us have.  What are you refusing to forgive yourself for?  If someone who did you wrong came to you with an honest and sincere repentance on their face and asked you to forgive them for something they did wrong, would you do it?  I think probably you would.  So why can't you forgive yourself?  If you ask God for forgiveness he gives it to you instantly.  All I am asking is for you to extend the same grace to yourself that he did.  I know this is a process and I want to encourage you to keep at it.

Well friends, I intended this blog to talk about my greatest failure which it did but I can honestly say that I have blogged myself happy again.

And that's another Opinion of His Minion