Ladies and Gentlemen,
Let me say thank you to my sister-in-law, CO for her contribution to the Minion. Here is the last part of her opinion on Friends vs. Family.
CO-
Now I will set the blood tie aside to discuss families that we have through marriage. (The In-laws) Just because we have married into a family does not mean this new family will love or accept us, but it is a blessing when we can become a part of a family in that way. When we marry we then start to build on the relationships we have with our new in-laws. Many people start this process before marriage but not all of us have had that premarital advantage to do so. (I recommend getting to know the family before marrying into it.) I tell my children all the time that apples tend not to fall far from the tree so if they do not like their potential in laws, they might want to study and get to know their potential spouse a little better before making a decision on marriage. If the family is too difficult to deal with because of any number of issues, then it would be beneficial to have those issues worked out with your spouse and his/or her family before they marry. I hope my children do not make that mistake when they marry. I believe some of my issues with the family would not exist now if we would have had the time to get comfortable with each other first.
The irony of my viewpoint is that friendships that become so close to us that we claim them as family are purely accepted and loved. However, family that we were born into and married into do not receive the same acceptance as a good friend. Families bring to many demands and idealisms to the table that get in the way of our being accepted or loved and that makes a family relationship less successful. This does not mean that we love our families any less, but it does cause a lot of strife and it does make the family much harder to enjoy.
My conclusion, based on my own life experiences is that friendships tend to be more successful than family relationships because friends are enjoyable, less judgmental, of like mind, and the feeling is mutual between the two people. Families can be highly successful and similar to friendships. However, a family member would have to approach the relationship the same way that they approach a friendship, having respect for the individual and an equalization of the relationship rather than a warped hierarchy of status and titles. We as parents have to learn to let go when it is time to do so, and become a friend and just love our families. This does not mean that we can't offer advice or let them know that they may be making a mistake, but we have to leave the judgments and the unachievable expectations behind. To be clear I am not including the relationship between a parent and child that is under an adult age. Children are to be taught by their elders to know the way they should go in life. I am merely speaking of adults in a family environment.
To cap things off I would like to add that my opinion is not all a doom and gloom. I am also not saying that these things apply to every person in my life or anyone else's. I am a firm believer in the exception to the rule and no two families are alike. However, most families share some common characteristics. This article is based solely on my own experience and is my observant opinion.
The Minion
Let me say thank you to my sister-in-law, CO for her contribution to the Minion. Here is the last part of her opinion on Friends vs. Family.
CO-
Now I will set the blood tie aside to discuss families that we have through marriage. (The In-laws) Just because we have married into a family does not mean this new family will love or accept us, but it is a blessing when we can become a part of a family in that way. When we marry we then start to build on the relationships we have with our new in-laws. Many people start this process before marriage but not all of us have had that premarital advantage to do so. (I recommend getting to know the family before marrying into it.) I tell my children all the time that apples tend not to fall far from the tree so if they do not like their potential in laws, they might want to study and get to know their potential spouse a little better before making a decision on marriage. If the family is too difficult to deal with because of any number of issues, then it would be beneficial to have those issues worked out with your spouse and his/or her family before they marry. I hope my children do not make that mistake when they marry. I believe some of my issues with the family would not exist now if we would have had the time to get comfortable with each other first.
The irony of my viewpoint is that friendships that become so close to us that we claim them as family are purely accepted and loved. However, family that we were born into and married into do not receive the same acceptance as a good friend. Families bring to many demands and idealisms to the table that get in the way of our being accepted or loved and that makes a family relationship less successful. This does not mean that we love our families any less, but it does cause a lot of strife and it does make the family much harder to enjoy.
My conclusion, based on my own life experiences is that friendships tend to be more successful than family relationships because friends are enjoyable, less judgmental, of like mind, and the feeling is mutual between the two people. Families can be highly successful and similar to friendships. However, a family member would have to approach the relationship the same way that they approach a friendship, having respect for the individual and an equalization of the relationship rather than a warped hierarchy of status and titles. We as parents have to learn to let go when it is time to do so, and become a friend and just love our families. This does not mean that we can't offer advice or let them know that they may be making a mistake, but we have to leave the judgments and the unachievable expectations behind. To be clear I am not including the relationship between a parent and child that is under an adult age. Children are to be taught by their elders to know the way they should go in life. I am merely speaking of adults in a family environment.
To cap things off I would like to add that my opinion is not all a doom and gloom. I am also not saying that these things apply to every person in my life or anyone else's. I am a firm believer in the exception to the rule and no two families are alike. However, most families share some common characteristics. This article is based solely on my own experience and is my observant opinion.
The Minion
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteFamily, so precious and yet sometimes so difficult to endure... As parents of infants, children and teenagers, we parents have a responsibility to take such good care of our young to enable them to trust us. If that has happened, then honoring the parent will be no problem.
Sometimes, adult children make mistakes that cost more than the adult child can pay. If the parent can't help financially or heal a broken body or heart, the adult child's pain becomes the parent’s pain and it breaks the heart of the parent. A good parent does not want their child to hurt no matter how old their child is. If the parent is not well adjusted themselves and more especially, if the parent has not learned to trust God to take care of themselves and the children as youngsters, then the parent will try to intervene in their child's lives in unhealthy and even just plain wrong ways, attempting to control the choices and thereby the consequences of those choices to their beloved child.
So, how do you honor a parent as an adult child when you disagree:
Do you just listen to the parent with your ears or read with your eyes what the parent has written, with an attitude of "talk to the hand because the ears are not listening?" You can't get away with that attitude as a young child but as an adult, it is now your choice and you can in the natural do exactly that. However, that attitude not even close to honoring the parent, no matter what the child's age.
You honor a parent in the same way you honor an employer, (good or bad), a teacher (good or bad), an authority on a given subject, or a successful person in the area of interest, or a pastor or a trusted and loyal friend or the way a wife honors a husband (good or bad). What that means is that you listen intently, with an open heart to what the parent says. You think and pray over it, using the written Word of God and your prayer language if you have one. Get a concordance, check the websites of successful ministries or ministries that have been through what you are going through, talk to your pastor, your boss, your trusted friend and check out those authorities and those successful in the area of your decision. Be careful here, if the advice does not line up with the written Word of God, guess Who loves you the most and knows what is really the best for you. In other words, the word of God is the one to follow no matter what the pastor or anyone else says. Remember, to pray over the Word you find, the advice from the parent (and others) you are given, asking Him to clarify and make plain exactly what He wants you to do. If it is His idea, even if we do not like the idea, He will help us to make and carry out His choice. Remember, all of us have times like Jesus and the cross where we simply have to pray, “thy kingdom come, thy will be done, not my will but thy will be done.” If you have to do something, you do not want to do, ask Him to make it easier for you and do it for the joy of pleasing your Father. Whatever we do because we love Him and because He said so, will be blessed most of the time while in this life but if not here, then certainly in the life to come we will be rewarded for our choice.
P.S. from anonymouse: If you have prayfully and honorably considered your parents' opinion and you disagree with them, disagree in love. Parents and children in that case must both pray for the ability to love each other for who you are just like our Father loves us and not for what each other says or does: love is patient and kind, things the best of each other, bears all things, endures all things and does it forever.. and love is always there ready to help anyway love can if needed
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