Today I want to talk about something that is a very tough subject and honestly I don't know if I have ever seen people do this right. I want to talk about how we solve problems between people. Now I don't think that we can really go around solving other people's problems. I know several people who have tried unsuccessfully to do that for years. But what I want to talk about today is a great personal triumph for me.
Think with me for a minute about learning how to drive a car. If you had never done that before and had never even seen a car, do you think you would be capable of driving one? Let's say you managed to get the car started and drive it. Since you don't know the traffic laws, there is a very good chance that you will wreck that car and quite possibly get someone else hurt right? Well that's the way I think I have been with conflict resolution for most of my life.
If you are married or in a serious relationship, you are going to have conflict between the two people in the relationship. If you aren't, you are going to have conflict between yourself and your friends and all sorts of other people. Now for me, resolving conflict with friends has always been fairly easy but for years I have had conflicts with people who are close to me and had no idea how to resolve it correctly. As I have said before, for a long time I simply turned my emotions off. That wasn't the best thing but it made conflict resolution easy. How? Well, most of the time I would other people simply run over me. Whenever there was a conflict I was normally the one to try to keep the peace. I read in the bible that blessed are the peacemakers and I tried to be a peacemaker. The problem was, many of the people I knew only wanted peace on their terms.
That typically didn't work out well for me because I just gave in. Was there really conflict resolution? No because I just bottled up all the hurt and never found a balanced, healthy way to resolve it. Part of my problem was having to deal with people who didn't know how to resolve it either. Most of them learned that the way to resolve conflict was to get mad and yell. If you show enough anger then the other side will back down and the conflict is resolved right? In the short term, that is true but it is very damaging to a relationship. So that way doesn't work either.
About a year and a half ago, the Lord really opened my eyes to my emotions and how they work. Since then, I have felt a lot of things. Most of them are new. Many feel good but many do not. This brought a change in the way I decided to resolve things. If I didn't get a good solution to the problem and one that was more on my terms then I would simply cut the offending person out of my life. I applied this to dating and I can tell you it didn't really work either. What I was saying then was unless you are perfect, I won't be around you because if you mess up once, you must be like the other people I have dealt with who don't know how to do this any better than I do. Guess what, that isn't a winning strategy either.
So why am I so excited? Well I recently dealt with a person over a particular issue. On the issue in question, the other person did something that aggravated me a little. Now fortunately, I read a book earlier that day discussing conflicts and how we resolve them. Some people believe that how you resolve conflict will indicate how long you stay in relationship with someone. If you don't do it well, that relationship won't last. Well in this particular case, I ran a quick errand to give myself a little breathing room to think through things a little. When I did, here is what I discovered. This issue did irritate me and it would be unhealthy for me ignore the emotion. However, in the grand scheme of life, it really wasn't that big a deal.
The other person in this situation could sense that I was offended and thus became a little defensive. I was able to share how I felt. It didn't take long and as soon as I shared my feelings and knew the other person generally cared about how I felt, all of my aggravation over the situation left. I felt much better. At the end of the discussion this person felt better too. The funny part is that I don't know if the other person has had much success in life resolving personal conflict either because I sensed this person was waiting for me to attack. When I didn't it seemed like it was a little shocking to that person as well. Did it feel great? Yes! I finally let something bother me, expressed my emotions in a calm and respectful manner and then the situation was resolved.
So what did I learn? When you have a problem with someone, you need to acknowledge that their is a problem. Don't stuff it down but don't react out of anger either. Take a few minutes to cool off and get your head under control. After that, take the time to express yourself in a respectful way to the other person. After that, you will feel better. Now let me also say that it certainly helped that I knew the other person loved and cared about me. This particular person is also very level headed and very capable of rationally discussing the situation which was a big plus.
That's another Opinion of the Minion
Think with me for a minute about learning how to drive a car. If you had never done that before and had never even seen a car, do you think you would be capable of driving one? Let's say you managed to get the car started and drive it. Since you don't know the traffic laws, there is a very good chance that you will wreck that car and quite possibly get someone else hurt right? Well that's the way I think I have been with conflict resolution for most of my life.
If you are married or in a serious relationship, you are going to have conflict between the two people in the relationship. If you aren't, you are going to have conflict between yourself and your friends and all sorts of other people. Now for me, resolving conflict with friends has always been fairly easy but for years I have had conflicts with people who are close to me and had no idea how to resolve it correctly. As I have said before, for a long time I simply turned my emotions off. That wasn't the best thing but it made conflict resolution easy. How? Well, most of the time I would other people simply run over me. Whenever there was a conflict I was normally the one to try to keep the peace. I read in the bible that blessed are the peacemakers and I tried to be a peacemaker. The problem was, many of the people I knew only wanted peace on their terms.
That typically didn't work out well for me because I just gave in. Was there really conflict resolution? No because I just bottled up all the hurt and never found a balanced, healthy way to resolve it. Part of my problem was having to deal with people who didn't know how to resolve it either. Most of them learned that the way to resolve conflict was to get mad and yell. If you show enough anger then the other side will back down and the conflict is resolved right? In the short term, that is true but it is very damaging to a relationship. So that way doesn't work either.
About a year and a half ago, the Lord really opened my eyes to my emotions and how they work. Since then, I have felt a lot of things. Most of them are new. Many feel good but many do not. This brought a change in the way I decided to resolve things. If I didn't get a good solution to the problem and one that was more on my terms then I would simply cut the offending person out of my life. I applied this to dating and I can tell you it didn't really work either. What I was saying then was unless you are perfect, I won't be around you because if you mess up once, you must be like the other people I have dealt with who don't know how to do this any better than I do. Guess what, that isn't a winning strategy either.
So why am I so excited? Well I recently dealt with a person over a particular issue. On the issue in question, the other person did something that aggravated me a little. Now fortunately, I read a book earlier that day discussing conflicts and how we resolve them. Some people believe that how you resolve conflict will indicate how long you stay in relationship with someone. If you don't do it well, that relationship won't last. Well in this particular case, I ran a quick errand to give myself a little breathing room to think through things a little. When I did, here is what I discovered. This issue did irritate me and it would be unhealthy for me ignore the emotion. However, in the grand scheme of life, it really wasn't that big a deal.
The other person in this situation could sense that I was offended and thus became a little defensive. I was able to share how I felt. It didn't take long and as soon as I shared my feelings and knew the other person generally cared about how I felt, all of my aggravation over the situation left. I felt much better. At the end of the discussion this person felt better too. The funny part is that I don't know if the other person has had much success in life resolving personal conflict either because I sensed this person was waiting for me to attack. When I didn't it seemed like it was a little shocking to that person as well. Did it feel great? Yes! I finally let something bother me, expressed my emotions in a calm and respectful manner and then the situation was resolved.
So what did I learn? When you have a problem with someone, you need to acknowledge that their is a problem. Don't stuff it down but don't react out of anger either. Take a few minutes to cool off and get your head under control. After that, take the time to express yourself in a respectful way to the other person. After that, you will feel better. Now let me also say that it certainly helped that I knew the other person loved and cared about me. This particular person is also very level headed and very capable of rationally discussing the situation which was a big plus.
That's another Opinion of the Minion
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