Another Fox Takes On the Minion

OK today I want to deal with a strange subject.  Let's talk about dreams.  In this particular blog, I am going to deal with deal with bad fantasies.  Before anyone goes down the wrong track, I am not talking about sex although those can be very dangerous.  I am talking about other kinds of dreams/fantasies.

Have you ever heard the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?  Well most of the time, that isn't true.  The problem with always looking at how green the grass is on the other side of the fence is that at some point you will want to get on that side of the fence and you can destroy your side in the process.

I know in my own life, if I start thinking about something long enough, I will try to get whatever I am thinking about.  In the process I hurt myself more than once.

Now let me give you an example from my life that will illustrate the point.  Fifteen or twenty years ago, I would get hit with the new car bug about once a year.  Now back then, I couldn't afford much of anything. I was married and even before we had kids, we struggled financially because of my poor choices.  Anyway, I might see a car running down the road or on TV and the bug would hit.  I would start thinking about getting a new car.  I would day dream about it and then the next thing you know I was at the car dealership actually attempting to buy a new car.  Because my credit was so bad, I didn't get to buy one but if I could, I would.  I couldn't afford what I had much less trying to buy something new.

Here is another area that caused me a lot of trouble.  I would start thinking about food a lot.  I weighed 350 pounds and you don't keep yourself at that weight without eating unhealthy all the time.  I never found a buffet I didn't like but there were plenty that didn't like me because I ate all their profits.  I wanted to eat out every meal.  Now we couldn't afford to do it but that didn't stop me from doing it.  I could even eat out when I had no money.  Did you know that before I was finished eating breakfast, I was thinking about what to eat for lunch.  Food consumed my thoughts.

How did I eat out without using money?  You might guess credit cards but that would be incorrect.  I was so broke and my score was so bad that credit card companies would not give me a credit card.  Did I steal food?  Well no.  So here is what I did.  We would have no money in our bank account but I would go to the grocery store and cash a check anyway.  I would reason that the check wouldn't clear my bank before I put my paycheck in the bank so what was the harm right?  Unfortunately, that would not be the case many times.  The check I wrote would get to the bank before my paycheck and then I would have to pay the bank $20 and the store $20 for the $25 check I wrote.  So I would have to pay $65 for a meal that wasn't worth it.  Why did I do that?  Because my thoughts were consumed with food.

Now that was a real problem but the same type of problem can be much worse if someone was always thinking about another man's wife or how about how much money someone else has?  These types of thoughts are from the devil and we have to be very careful of them.  So what should you do when you get them?  First of all, you have to recognize them for what they are.

They are thoughts that don't line up with the way God wants us to think.  They are thoughts that can lead us to do something stupid.  Now let me give you something else to consider.  If you are always thinking about getting to a better place than where you are now, you will never be happy.  After we recognize that those thoughts aren't good for us, we have to make the conscious decision to think about something else.  When we do then God can help us change the direction of our thinking.  That's what the bible calls casting down imaginations and things that exalt themselves against God.

Just remember that where you spend most of your thought time, you will eventually try to go in real life.  Be careful of where you want to go as many times those fantasy places are not even real.  If we aren't watchful of those thoughts, they can lead us to make bad decisions that can really effect us.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Know It All Minion

OK today I have to tell on myself.  We can all learn a lesson from this though.

Yesterday, I took an amazing woman with me to church in Houston, TX.  We decided that we wanted to go to church and how we got to this particular one really isn't important but let me describe the church.  I don't know how things really look outside of Texas but for this Texan, when you say small church it brings up a certain image.

The church building is a quaint little place and the biggest structure by far is the sanctuary.  But the whole thing isn't very big.  When you go inside, you find the steeple roof and the bench pews all neatly arranged. There is an alter down front where people go to pray every Sunday.  There you can pray with the pastor or some other deacon who is ready and willing to help you communicate with God.  Most of the time, you see a plaque on the wall that has three rows.  One with weekly attendance, one with the offering from the last service and I can't remember what's in the other row.

The people are all normally very friendly and they want to shake your hand and give you a hug.  They greet you warmly and there is a general order to the church.  That means that certain families have went there for many years and they sit in the same place every Sunday.  As you sit, there are three things in front of you.  There is the Bible, a hymn book and normally a little pencil to fill in the offering envelope that sits next to it.

Many times kids accompany their families to church and sit with mom and dad.  Sometimes it's because mom and dad want them there.  Sometimes it's because the church is so small, they don't really have a children's church.  Normally there is a nursery with a couple of grandmotherly figures who faithfully take care of the babies.  Many times, this is the second or third generation from the same family that they have seen.

The choir sings three hymns, the pastor preaches for about an hour and the whole thing is concluded by noon.  It's just the old time way.

See the thing is, I come from a very big non-denominational church in Fort Worth where we are taught from the bible.  I like our church and it is the best church for me at the moment.  Also, I read my bible every day.  I'm not saying that to brag, the devil knows the bible but it's important to this particular blog.  I have read the bible through several times and while I am not a bible scholar, I do know some things from the bible.  So when we sat down yesterday, I really wasn't expecting to get anything from the message.  After all, this was a small church full of sweet people.  They sang three hymns that I know well and there was only one person in the choir.  After that, the took up the offering and we were welcomed by everyone.

Now these were some very sweet, genuine, loving people.  And for the most part, they were at least one generation older than us if not more.  I was not expecting much revelation out of the service.  We went there to bless this congregation and we enjoyed the whole service.  It was a good one.  What I did not expect was to learn anything.  After all, I go to a big church.  I really didn't expect to get anything from the sermon but guess what.  The Lord used that as an opportunity to teach me that I didn't know it all.  I saw things in that sermon that I have never seen before in all my many years of reading the bible.  Lord, please forgive me for being arrogant.

Let me say, I did not have a major prideful spirit but I was walking in a little bit of pride.  By the end of the service, I am sure our offering blessed them but I know their service blessed and taught us both something.

So what am I trying to say?  We don't know it all.  God can use the most unlikely places to teach us something.  So be careful of that prideful spirit.  It can rob you of learning and so much more.  I am thankful for that sweet church and the sermon we heard.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Watch Out for Foxes

Today I want to talk about foxes.  It's funny because when I was a teenager we might call a pretty girl a fox but we don't call them that today.  Now while some guys might say that a pretty girl can certainly be trouble, I am not talking about them today.  However, I do want to talk to you about another type of fox.  The Bible says that little foxes spoil the vine.  I know this has been true in my own life.

Let me talk to you about a couple of things that happned to me in the last few days.  Yesterday I got up and went to the gym.  After I got done lifting weights, I went out for a run.  Well at least it should have been a run but my hips were hurting so I ended up running part of it and walking part of it.  Normally when I run, I let my mind sort of drift where ever it wants to go.  I think about my day and what needs to be done and the people in my life for the most part.  But yesterday was a little different.

My mind drifted to a couple of people and situations that I don't particularly like.  I envisioned myself confronting them and telling them exactly what I thought of them.  As I was doing this, I noticed that my mood started to darken a little.  I am generally a very positive person and I wasn't turning into Voldemort but I wasn't as positive as I normal.  Here is something else I noticed, I wasn't really all that upset with any of those people or situations, I was upset with the fact that my run was going extremely slow and that I was in a pain.  So the real question for me was how to let my thoughts effect my day.  If I continued down this path, I was destined to be in a bad mood the rest of the day.  These little foxes were going to spoil my day if I didn't do something.

At some other time, I will talk about the two Ts - Trust and Thankfulness.  For now, let me say that I had to trust God during my run and I had to consciuosly walk away from those thoughts.  When I did, my whole world brightened back up and I did enjoy the rest of my day.  While I am on the subject, let me say a word about the other T - Thankfulness.  I was out in the fresh air on a beautiful morning run/walking my normal six mile course.  The first several weeks of this year have been the best start of a year in at least the last 20 years of my life.  I have the most amazing woman in my life.  She has two kids who are truly a blessing to be around and I enjoy spending time with them.  I have three of the most amazing kids God ever gave anyone.  My business is going up and a new business that I started is really picking up.  For the first time in a long time, I feel great.  What's my point?  The Lord has truly blessed me.  God has been very good to Tommy!!

On top of that, both of my legs work just fine; I can see; I can smell; I can touch; I love and I am loved.  Let me take a side trip to relate a story that is pertinent to thankfulness.  On another morning I went out to run and had a bad time.  It wasn't a bad run but it was slower than I like.  After the fact, I was grumbling inside about life in general but the root cause of my grumbling was a bad run.  I was blaming other people for all kinds of stuff.  On the outside I was smiling and having a good day but on the inside I was throwing a temper tantrum like a two year old kid.  Eventually the Lord had enough of my unthankful attitude and He told me so.  You wouldn't have heard what He said to me because I heard it on the inside but it had a lasting effect.  He said, "You see that man over there in the wheel chair with no legs from the knees down?  He would almost kill someone to be able to go and do that "sorry" run you just did."  Well that jerked the slack out of me in a hurry. 

The same was true for my run the other morning, I trusted God to do what he said in his word and deliver me from those stupid thoughts (the foxes) that were running through my mind.  Once I put a stop to those, I went on to have a very productive day.

Let me wrap this up by asking, what little foxes are spoiling your vine?  Maybe you are faced with an annoying person or situation.  Maybe you are just allowing your mind to run all over the place like mine did.  Maybe you are just complaining too much.  Whatever it is, I want encourage you to take a hard look at it and make a conscious decision to walk away from it.  If you will focus on the positive things going on in your life, it will make the negative ones get so much smaller.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

What to Forget

OK, on Monday we discussed what to remember.  Now let's talk about the other side of the coin.  We need to talk about what to forget.

Most of us have embarrassing moments in our life or times when we failed.  Because these were so painful, we can recall them in very vivid detail.  I remember my junior year of high school.  All of the good athletes made the varsity football team that year.  I was stronger than most of the kids in my class and thought I would be a lock to make varsity as well.  The first week of two a days, I was even a starter on the offensive line.  But there was one practice where we were supposed to work on pass blocking.  This kid across the line from me was quicker than I was and he ran right by me and sacked the quarterback three or four plays in a row.

Not only was I demoted from a varsity starter, I was sent to the junior varsity team.  It was humiliating.  To make matters worse, when the list came out and I everyone knew I was on the JV team, a certain classmate of mine made a very vocal point of telling everyone around that I was JV.  That was even more humiliating.  When I tell this story, I can still feel part of those humiliating emotions inside me.  They aren't very big and it certainly doesn't bother me but it is still a reminder of a failure in my past.

There was another time while I was at TCU that I was trying to make an ROTC sport team called Ranger Challenge.  Now the TCU team was one of the top squads in the nation and I really wanted to make the team.  At the very first of the season, I was running pretty well and I had a good shot at making it.  Then I got hurt playing softball and ended up being a back up.  I was devastated and it sent me into a depression.  Now my friends on Ranger Challenge never said anything.  They were great guys about the whole thing but I was still embarrassed.  This even happened at least 15 years ago and I still remember it pretty well.

Yet, when I graduated from law school, I graduated Cum Laude and 4th in my class.  I certainly remember doing this but it is more of a distant memory and it only happened about 10 years ago.

So why do I remember my failures more vividly than my successes?  Because pain can stay around longer than that feeling of happiness that comes from success.  Now I can certainly tell you that after all these years, I learned lessons from both of the failures I described above and that's a good thing.  But I let my ROTC failure ruin my grades at TCU.  I let my high school failure completely shake my confidence.

So here is what we should learn from what I did.  There are certain things that we just have to choose to forget.  I'm not saying that you will completely forget those bad things that happened to you.  Obviously I remember high school and TCU to this day.  But we do have to choose to let go of what happened and we definitely have to learn to "forget" the pain involved.  If we don't let go of those bad events in our lives, we will never have an opportunity to reach for and then celebrate success.

If we continue to hold onto and relive those bad memories too long, it's like trying to swim with cement shoes on.  It will just keep dragging us down.  We will never be able to soar to the heights God intended if we continue to focus on our failures.  Now I am not telling you to pretend that bad things didn't happen and I'm also not telling you to never be sad when bad things happened.  That would be ridiculous.  But what I am saying is after you have had some time to feel sad, let it go.  Don't go around talking to yourself or other people about your failure, let it go and start climbing to the next place God has in store for you.  No matter how bad things are in your life right now, God has a good plan for your life.

So let me sum this up by saying that there are going to be bad circumstances in our lives that we have to deal with.  I know they are there.  However, if we keep our focus on all the bad things that happen to us and never choose to focus on the great things we have done or that God has done for us, we will never achieve the full potential God has for our lives.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

What to Remember

Today I want to talk to you about what to remember.  In my next blog, we will discuss what not to remember but let's talk about what we should remember.

I have read the bible many times and one of my goals for every year is to read the bible from cover to cover.  There are many things that I don't completely understand about the bible but one thing I do love is that God shows me more and more about him every time I read it.

So today, I want to tell you about something that confused me for years.  I would love to tell you that I am one of those guys who doesn't need to be told anything twice, that I retain it all the first time through but that isn't the case.  However, most of the time if you tell me a story, I will remember the whole thing.  Sometimes not in great detail but I generally remember most of it.

Well, the Bible repeats the story of God delivering Israel from Egypt several times.  As a matter of fact in the Psalms, David references it multiple times.  Moses even made the children of Israel learn songs about it.   I know that God wanted the Israelites to teach this to their children and I thought for a long time it was just a history lesson.  I thought that God wanted generation after generation of Israelites to know about him and that's certainly true.  But why did he repeat this story so many times in the Bible.  Was it because He knew many of us wouldn't read our Bible and He just hoped that if we opened it a few times we would stumble onto the truth?  Nope, God doesn't work this way.

Now I can't tell you that this is the only reason that God put that story in the Bible so many times but I can tell you one reason that it shows up over and over and over.  See, when David was retelling this story over and over, I locked onto one reason.  He said that he was stirring himself up by telling this story.  When David got in a hard place and it looked hopeless, he would start thinking about all the times that God delivered him in the past and it would increase his faith.  That is one reason God tells this story so many times.  He wants us to stir up our faith in him.  When we see places where it looks like everything is hopeless, we can go back and say, "Wait a minute.  When I was in a situation that looked hopeless before, God delivered me."  I can tell you that there have been many circumstances in my life when I didn't see a way out.

That feeling of anxiety and hopelessness sucks.  I don't like it.  But I can tell you that if I start looking back at all the times that God has delivered me in the past, I start thinking about the time when I needed gas for my car and God provided it, I start thinking about the time when I needed extra money and a check for a few hundred dollars showed up in my mailbox, I start thinking about the time when it looked like my business might fall apart and God supernaturally changed things in my favor, I start thinking about the time when I felt lonely and God brought someone into my life, I start thinking about when I didn't know what to do with my children and God showed me the way.  It's happened again.  I've blogged myself happy.  When I think about His goodness and what He's done for me, I get happy.  But guess what, there are still situations in my life where I don't know what to do, I sit back and remember all the times that God has brought me through before and those feelings of helplessness and anxiety go away because I know He will do it again.

So I want to encourage you.  If you are facing a situation that you don't know what to do with, start remembering all the times that the Lord delivered you or made a way where there didn't seem to be a way.  Start thinking about how He was always there when you called out.  It will make the situation you face now grow smaller as His provision grows larger in your life.

Now some of you may not have many places to draw on for those types of memories.  Don't worry, read.  The Bible is full of places where God delivered people.  Start reading those and mediating on those.  He promised that if He did it for someone in the Bible, He will do it for you.  Test God.  Remind Him of His word and what He promised.  That's not arrogance, that's faith.  God is looking around all over the earth for people who will have faith in Him and His word.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Do I Really Need Help

OK, today I want to talk about a subject that has been a problem area for me over the years.  What do I do when I need help?

Before I can answer that question I have to answer another one that can be much more difficult for me.  Do I need help?  I can already hear all of my friends and family describing in great detail how much help I need.  And yes for just a minute it does make me laugh.

But for me it is a very serious question.  See I have always believed where there was a me there was a way.  What does that mean?  Well it means that I can handle any problem that comes up.  If you have a problem, together we can find the solution.  This is a very good attitude and it has served me very well in school and then in my business and in life generally.  But unfortunately, I took it a little too far.  I got to the point that I began to think I didn't need any one's help.  I knew that I needed God's help with a few things.  Obviously, I could not get to Heaven without Jesus.  I knew that and there were certain other areas that I needed His help as well.  But outside of that I didn't think I needed any help.  I remember telling my ex-wife once that I only needed her for one thing and I only needed her for that because my covenant with her wouldn't let me get it any other place.

So that was a good thing right.  I mean, I did learn to be very self reliant, right.  Well what I told her that day was an incredibly wrong thing to say.  Unfortunately, I was just too ignorant to realize how much help I really needed.

To start with, I needed God's help in so many more areas than I was letting him help me.  I guess I figured, I only needed his help when it came to miracles.  I had no idea how to rely on him like I do now.  Now I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination but I am learning more and more everyday how to rely on him and let him help me in every area of my life.  Here is something you might find interesting.  I enjoy doing little things for people from making coffee to buying dinner.  It isn't a big deal but it does help and bless them.  Now guess what, God loves doing those same little things for me.  It's such a humbling thought to think that the creator of the universe is interested in the little things in my life but it's true.

Now if I wouldn't let God help me with anything, I wouldn't let anyone else either.  I can remember times when I was carrying a whole bunch of stuff up to my apartment and someone would ask to help.  My response was always, "No thank you.  I can handle it."  That was probably true with the groceries to my apartment but I began to realize that there were other areas of my life where I couldn't handle things all the time by myself.  Just take my company for example.  I have several people that work for my company because I am not capable of doing everything myself.  That seems pretty obvious but what about carrying the burden of a failed marriage or how about carrying the burden of some other type of broken relationship?  How about getting help losing weight or changing my financial situation?  I couldn't do these things on my own and guess what, neither can you.  See we all have areas in our life where we need help and not only is that OK but it's very normal.  In fact, it's the way we were designed.  Do you know what the most important thing to God is?  He didn't send Jesus to reclaim the gold or the silver or any other "thing" on the earth.  That wasn't significant to him.  He wasn't concerned about that part of his creation.  He sent Jesus to get the most precious part of his creation back - you.

OK, so now that I have decided to admit that I need help, what should I do?  This is a pretty complex question with a really complex answer.  Are you ready?  I have to ask someone for help.  Pretty deep theological stuff right?  Well for me that can be very difficult to do.  I have learned about asking for help from D.  D is an amazing woman and I am truly grateful for her.  There have been a few times in our relationship that she has asked me for something.  She doesn't apologize for asking.  She just asks knowing that I want to help and it makes me happy to help her.

So one day I asked her to pick up my dry cleaning from a cleaners that is near her house.  I was going to her house later and the cleaners was out of my way.  It would have been a little hard for me to get there before they closed and there was an item that I wanted to wear that weekend.  Guess what, I needed her help and when I asked her, she was glad to do it.  It's a little shocking for me to operate that way.  Now obviously I could have figured out how to get the dry cleaning on my own but her help was certainly a blessing.  D, if you read this, thank you again for your help.  I really appreciate it.

So let me sum it up by saying this.  We all have areas and times in our lives when we need help.  It's not only inevitable, it's the way God made us.  But we have to admit to ourselves first that we need help and then we have to take the courage to ask someone else for help where it is appropriate.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Friends vs. Family Part 3

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Let me say thank you to my sister-in-law, CO for her contribution to the Minion.  Here is the last part of her opinion on Friends vs. Family.

CO-
Now I will set the blood tie aside to discuss families that we have through marriage. (The In-laws) Just because we have married into a family does not mean this new family will love or accept us, but it is a blessing when we can become a part of a family in that way. When we marry we then start to build on the relationships we have with our new in-laws. Many people start this process before marriage but not all of us have had that premarital advantage to do so. (I recommend getting to know the family before marrying into it.) I tell my children all the time that apples tend not to fall far from the tree so if they do not like their potential in laws, they might want to study and get to know their potential spouse a little better before making a decision on marriage. If the family is too difficult to deal with because of any number of issues, then it would be beneficial to have those issues worked out with your spouse and his/or her family before they marry. I hope my children do not make that mistake when they marry. I believe some of my issues with the family would not exist now if we would have had the time to get comfortable with each other first.

The irony of my viewpoint is that friendships that become so close to us that we claim them as family are purely accepted and loved. However, family that we were born into and married into do not receive the same acceptance as a good friend. Families bring to many demands and idealisms to the table that get in the way of our being accepted or loved and that makes a family relationship less successful. This does not mean that we love our families any less, but it does cause a lot of strife and it does make the family much harder to enjoy.

My conclusion, based on my own life experiences is that friendships tend to be more successful than family relationships because friends are enjoyable, less judgmental, of like mind, and the feeling is mutual between the two people. Families can be highly successful and similar to friendships. However, a family member would have to approach the relationship the same way that they approach a friendship, having respect for the individual and an equalization of the relationship rather than a warped hierarchy of status and titles.  We as parents have to learn to let go when it is time to do so, and become a friend and just love our families. This does not mean that we can't offer advice or let them know that they may be making a mistake, but we have to leave the judgments and the unachievable expectations behind. To be clear I am not including the relationship between a parent and child that is under an adult age. Children are to be taught by their elders to know the way they should go in life. I am merely speaking of adults in a family environment.

To cap things off I would like to add that my opinion is not all a doom and gloom. I am also not saying that these things apply to every person in my life or anyone else's. I am a firm believer in the exception to the rule and no two families are alike. However, most families share some common characteristics. This article is based solely on my own experience and is my observant opinion.

The Minion

Friends vs. Family Part 2

Hello Everyone,

Below please find part two of my sister-in-law's thoughts on why relationships with our friends can be more successful than relationships with our family.

CO-
This brings me to the topic of family. I believe that family should be respected and viewed on the same level we would give to a close friend to be successful.  However, we usually fail for several reasons.  Family is something we do not choose. We are born into our family. We are usually able to choose our spouse therefore to some degree we also choose their family. Unfortunately most, usually do not consider the family they will be marrying into. At the risk of sounding tacky I would like to say that we get stuck with the family we have. Family is harder work than any friendship will ever be. I think this is because we can choose our friends and enjoy them, but family tends to operate differently. We are supposed to love our families despite any characteristics they have that become unappealing to us. We do not get to out grow them, or let them fall away when we suddenly have nothing in common with them any longer. Our brother will always be our brother. Our sister will always be our sister, and our mother will always be our mother, and hopefully, done right, our spouse will always be our spouse.

In most cases I think families are more complicated and harder to get along with. I do believe our families love us, or at least the family that we are connected to by blood loves us. However, I also think that our family tends to forget that we are people too. Rather, they see us as the daughter, the son, the niece, the nephew, or the grandchild. I know this sounds like I am reaching and stretching this to make a point, but I do believe there is a difference. It is as though there is a chain of command and everyone has a title over a name. It is set up in the family from the beginning of our lives that our authority is our parent, and their authority is there parents, and so on. There are other authorities over us though they are lesser because what mom and dad say comes first. We are taught to listen to our aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I am not saying this is a bad thing. What I am saying is that as we mature and become adults, our families do not let loose of their authoritative roles in our lives. Rather than letting us go to live our life, make our mistakes, and be happy for our successes they try to continue to control us. The sad thing is that as adults if we do not do things the way they think we should then suddenly we are not honoring them. I have found that manipulation runs rampant in families and I have yet to meet a family that does not do this to some degree. Families set up expectations of us that are not achievable. It is kind of like a snare set up for failure and I do not even think they are aware of the fact that they do it. Sometimes they demand more from us than we are able to give. Our families haven't any qualms about being judgmental toward us and often they lack understanding, and have no interest in gaining any because they have already decided they know what is going on and how to fix it, when they probably don't.
 
To Be Continued......
The Minion

 

Friends vs Family Part 1

Hello everyone,

Several months ago, my sister-in-law, CO, sent me an email regarding why sometimes our relationships with our friends are more successful than our relationships with our family.  This is a little long so I am going to break it up in parts.  I think she has some pretty insightful things to say.

CO-
Friendships vs. Family Relationships
Why is one more successful over the other?

This is a difficult topic to write about, because many of my opinions would vary depending on the friend or family member I am relating these opinions too, but I am going to try to generalize some of what I am writing.

I believe that friends are more accepting of who we are as people. They are less likely to be judgmental of our everyday lives and as the old saying goes "Birds of a feather flock together." Our friends tend to be of a like mind with the things we believe or the actions we typically carry out in our lives. Unfortunately our friendships also tend to be forged from within our own social statuses. It would be difficult (not impossible) for a friendship to be forged from two separate environments socially.

Have you ever noticed how we grow out of some friendships and they fall away after some time? For example, I noticed when I married how the majority of my friends fell to the wayside and given time I had to develop other friends after my new social standing changed. The difference was I was now married and no longer a part of the single crowd. My single friends only wanted to go bar happing, drink, and various other "single minded" activities. I could no longer take part in these things with them. So naturally I no longer fit into these peoples lives. Their interest in me quickly faded, and visa versa due to the lack of common ground that we once shared. Other instances change our social status such as having children, church involvement, financial gain and or loss, and I could go on but I think we get the point. Of course these friends were generally more superficial and the so called love we shared only went skin deep so to speak. The ease in the termination of these friendships also causes me to wonder if we were every really friends in the first place, but that would be another topic all together.

(Let me add that I do think some friends are put in our lives for a short time and some are for a long time.  If you find your friendships changing over time.  That's OK.  I think this agrees with what CO is saying.)
I have had a blessing in life to have a friend that I consider to be more my family than anything. By family I mean that this person will always love me and be a part of my life regardless of the direction my life takes. (Good or bad) Our friendship is successful do to the fact that we completely accept one another, flaws and all. Even when we disagree with one another we have a mutual understanding that the disagreement does not change our acceptance of the other. We respect one another and value each others presences in our lives. There have been times when I have seen this friend making choices that may not have been the smartest thing to do. Being that we are as close as we are, I am able to voice my concerns with her. However, that does not mean she will take my advice or warning. The only thing I can do if things go badly for her is be there for her, be encouraging, and sometimes help pick up the pieces in love. What else are friends truly for except to be there for one another in bad times and enjoy them in the good times? Enjoying their company is only a benefit of friendship but not its purpose when it comes to being that close to a friend.

I believe true friends are bound by a type of love. We have a successful friendship because we choose to act in love toward one another, and a big part of that is not being judgmental toward each other when we mess up. We also do not hold grudges and even forgive each other easily when we have said or done something to offend each other. I am an only child in my family, so I do not know what it is like to have a brother or sister. I imagine for myself that this friend is probably the closest thing I will ever have to a sibling. We have known each other since junior high school and we have been close for longer than P and I have been married. Just as much as I could not imagine my life without P, I also could not imagine not having this friend in my life. It is also nice to be able to talk to someone I can trust about problems that is not on the inside of my family circle. Sometimes it is good to discuss problems with someone that can stay objective because they are not on the inside of what is going on in my world.

To Be Continued.....
The Minion

Why is It Always About You?

This is the title of a book I read on something called narcissism.  One definition of this word is an unhealthy love for ones' self.  Here's what I found really interesting about this.  According to the Bible, in the last days (before Jesus returns) people will be lover's of themselves.

Before I go any further, let me quickly say that I don't have one clue when Jesus will return.  I don't think the world is going to blow up tomorrow or that aliens are plotting with President Obama and the Chinese to overthrow Luxembourg or any of the other crazy rumors you hear these days.  I will also let you in on another secret.  I am not all that anxious for the Lord to return.  Let me tell you why.  Most of the people that I hear today who are anxiously awaiting God's return are also broke down, busted and disgusted people.  I don't want to be chased off this planet with my tail between my legs in Christ's return.  I want to finish my course and when I have been successful at everything that the Lord has for me here, then and only then will I be ready to move to Heaven.

However, I do believe that we are getting close to the return of Christ.  When will that be?  The bible says that God hasn't even told Jesus the exact time.  So if He hasn't confided the exact time in Jesus, I think it's a pretty safe bet that He isn't going to tell me either.

But I think I now understand what this whole concept of people being lovers of themselves means.  It means they will be narcissistic.  Is this a bad thing?  Yes.  Why am I bringing it up?  Because being around these types of people can be extremely unhealthy and there are going to be more and more of them on the earth.  If you are around friends who are like this, you may want to consider whether or not it makes sense to continue to hang around with them.  Also, we all need to check ourselves from time to time to see if we are acting this way.

The reason I find this so interesting is because I have talked to several people lately who were in counseling sessions (no, I am not a counselor) with other people who were diagnosed with this problem.  There is a healthy form of narcissism and I think we need to understand that it is OK to think about yourself and to take care of yourself.  But what we are talking about here is an unhealthy situation.

So let me give you a few things that are characteristics of narcissism:
1.  Like the title of the blog, for some people everything in their life has to be about them.  They can never talk or do anything that doesn't relate to themselves.  They also have to be first priority over everyone else.
2.  Most of the time, they don't apologize when they do something wrong or their apology is a very sarcastic one.  The reason this happens is that a narcissist believes their world is completely perfect and that they are perfect.  They have a hard time understanding that it's OK to have imperfections.  But like we have discussed before, no one is perfect.
3.  They project anything negative onto other people.  This sort of goes hand in hand with number 2.  If someone tells them that they are wrong about anything, someone else is always to blame for them being wrong.  For example, if you tell a narcissist that they were rude to a store clerk, the narcissist will always blame someone else for why they were rude.
4.  They rarely have the ability to make anyone else happy unless they are completely happy.
5.  Because they have to keep their world perfect, you cannot tell them that they are a narcissist because it would mean that they have an imperfection.

There are others and if you feel like someone in your life really has this problem, I encourage you to get the book with that title and read it.

So why am I telling you all this you ask?  Because these types of people can be very draining.  If you have friends like that, you might want to seriously consider whether or not the friendship is worth it.  If we stay in friendships like that, they are very draining on us and can ultimately do us a lot of emotional harm.

But here is the other reason I wanted to write about this.  I want you to take a look at those five items again.  Now this is going to be very hard because if you have a problem, then it will be difficult for you to admit to this particular one.  But I want you to ask yourself honestly if any of those things apply to you.  I don't want you to be overly critical of yourself.  Just because you came up with an excuse for something you did yesterday doesn't make you a narcissist.  However, if you can't admit that you are wrong, you do have a big problem.

See I was like that for a long time in a couple of areas.  I could not admit that I had a problem with food and I could not admit that I had a problem spending money.  Both were true but this was especially true with money.  I was a financial disaster.  It hurt not only me but also my family and I could not admit to myself that I had a problem.  Finally for me, I had an incident happen that actually woke me up.



That's another Opinion of the Minion

Is It Right?

Today I want to talk about something sort of serious.  The question - Is it right?  I talk alot about doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do.  Now I am not perfect at it but I really do want to do the right thing.  I believe this is the best way for me to live my life.  It's also the way the Lord wants me to live my life.

There is something else I should say before I get to the main point of this blog.  Doing the right thing means doing it when no one else is looking.  I have seen many fake people who only appear to do right when others are watching but the true test of whether or not we do the right thing is what we do when we are alone.

For example, I tried to lose weight for years.  I would go on diets and when I was out with people, I would eat a salad or something reasonably healthy.  If I was around others when I was "dieting" I ate reasonably well.  And yet several weeks into my "diet" I still weighed the same weight.  Why was that?  Because when I wasn't around other people, I wasn't eating healthy.  I was eating cookies and ice cream or some other form of sugar.  Was I doing the right thing to lose weight?  A small part of the time I was but not all the time.  Which brings me to another great point.  Doing the right thing means that is your way of life.  Does it mean you are perfect?  Certainly not!  For all of us Christians who go around trying to hold other people to the standard of perfection, stop it.  The bible says no one is perfect.

But what I am telling you is that we should try to do the right thing.  This brings me to my point today.  What is the right thing?  I have heard people say that we should do what makes us feel good.  That is the right thing.  Unfortunately, this just isnt true.  There is a right and wrong period.  It doesn't change. 

I was recently in a situation at work where I was going to have to tell someone we worked for that we had not done a very good job.  I thought about several ways to "spin" it and finally decided that the right thing for me to do was to tell them the truth along with what my plan was to correct the problem.  This person could have gotten very upset with me but this person did not.  This person just accepted what I said and told me to correct the problem.  End of story.  I could have tried to spin things but that would have only made the situation worse.  Many times doing the right thing will not feel good but it will get you the result you want.

There are times when I have wondered if I what I was doing was right.  Obviously even in our society today, we know that killing someone is wrong (or at least it's supposed to be).  But there are times when right/wrong is more difficult to distinguish.  Most of the time we know the right thing to do.  I know in my life there are times when I face decisions.  Sometimes I afraid of what will happen.  Sometimes I really want a certain outcome.  In those cases, it can be very tempting to manipulate the situation to get the outcome I want.  When that happens, I start to rationalize that what I am doing is right but sometimes it's not. 

Let me try to illustrate.  Have you ever been to a store or the bank and had the teller give you the wrong change.  Let's say I go to the store and the clerk gives me an extra $20 that really isn't mine.  There is a CD or something else I want to do with that $20.  Maybe I even want to take someone to lunch who really needs me.  That would be a very good use of the $20 right.  So I start thinking to myself that if I take the $20 and use it to help someone else then keeping the $20 is right.  How about if I just say to myself that it's the clerk's fault because he gave me the money.  I didn't do anything wrong.  After all I didn't take the money.  It's his mistake.  How about this.  Maybe God used that clerk to give me the $20 and this was really a blessing from God! 

What am I doing?  I really want to keep the $20.  If I step back for a minute and look at the situation, I know the right thing to do.  That isn't my money.  Make no mistake, God doesn't work in that way.  He has a million ways to get you money and doesn't need to resort to taking it from a clerk who will get in trouble for having the wrong change in his drawer at the end of the day.  The right thing for me to do is to bring the error to the clerk's attention and return the money.

To many of us this example seems a little trivial.  I mean it's only $20 right?  Well how about when we are talking about an unborn baby?  Uh oh, now what?  Did you ever notice that everyone who is pro abortion has already been born?  Ladies and gentlemen, I know abortion is a very sensative subject and I will not engage in a debate about it.  I'm merely trying to make a point.  If you have been a part of an abortion (and I have gotten a girl pregnant who had an abortion while I was at the clinic) then know this - there is total and complete forgiveness.  God loves you deeply and making a wrong decision doesn't change that.  You are not a second class citizen and you have not been cut out of God's family for it.

So let me sum this up.  We are all faced with decisions every day.  I don't think we will ever be perfect.  If so, we would not need God.  But I do think we should do our best to do right.  To do the right thing, we have to define what is right and what is wrong.  Let me end with this, you have got to stand for something or you will fall for anything (I don't know who said it but it's true).

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Wait

Ok, I have touched on this subject in different posts but I want to illustrate it again because it's a lesson I am continually being re-taught.  Today I want to talk to you about waiting.  This can be a very hard thing to do and it is especially hard at times for me.

Ladies let me help you understand something about men.  When we are presented with a problem, our first thought is fix the problem.  I know that many times ladies want to discuss the problem just to get their feelings out.

Men, this is a good thing and we cannot change them.  We will make them much happier if we learn to listen to them when they are expressing themselves.  Many times when a woman is telling us about a problem, she is just wants to express her emotions.  This is a good thing and we as men, need to be more in touch with the emotions that are inside us.  When a woman tells you about something that is bothering her, don't try to fix it unless she asks you to.  The more you learn to empathize with her, the better your relationship will be.

However ladies, you need to understand the way we operate.  God wired us to solve problems so if you present us with a problem that you just want to talk about, you can help us help you but letting us know up front that's what you want.  For either sex, if we expect our partner to read our mind, we are setting ourselves up for failure.  Why do you think God gave us mouths?  He intended for us to speak.

So judging by this you would think that I had an issue with the amazing woman that I am dating right?  Well, you would be wrong.  We communicate very well.  The issue I had was an internal one that I had to discuss with God.  Now this particular issue that I was working through was really not a big deal.  It didn't cause me a great amount of stress and it is certainly nothing critical now.  It is simply an issue that I know I will face at some point in the future.  When and where I am not sure at this point but I know I will face it.

So here was the problem, I was trying to figure out the answer to this particular issue today.  It wasn't even an important issue today and I wasn't spending a lot of time consciously thinking about it.  I could just sense it sort of floating around in the back of my mind.  I knew that even if I had the perfect solution, it was not the right time to do anything about the "issue."  I hate to use the term issue because it really wasn't yet.  But like I said, men see problems as a challenge and as you know most men enjoy challenges and for the most part I am no exception to the rule.  Are you ready for the revelation that the Lord told me.  It is of massive proportion.  Here's what he said - stop.

That's it, stop.  He didn't tell me to do anything but stop.  He brought this song to my mind.  It's called "Only Believe."  Some of the words are, "Only believe, only believe.  All things are possible.  Only believe."  I love this song.  But what He was telling me was to wait on Him.  He was telling me that He would give me the answer to this particular challenge when the time was right.  But today was not the day.

It took me a little time yesterday to let this sink in but when it did, it was liberating.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait.  Sometimes we want to jump out and fix a problem without knowing how to fix it.  If we don't really know what God wants us to do, we can try to crack eggs with a sledge hammer.

So what am I saying today?  Here are some of the things the Lord reminded me of through this.  First, today has it's own things to deal with.  Sometimes we try to jump to far ahead.  What are you facing today?  Deal with that today and spend much less time worrying about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will have it's own stuff to deal with.  Second, it's so extremely important to simply trust God.  For this particular challenge, I don't have the answer but I know One who does.  I know that God will see me through every challenge.  Sometimes I just need to be reminded to trust Him.  Lastly, stop and wait.  There are going to be times when we have to just stop and wait.  It may not be our nature but it is the right thing to do.  I hope this helps someone.

That's another Opinion of the Minion