Conflict

Today I want to talk about something that is a very tough subject and honestly I don't know if I have ever seen people do this right.  I want to talk about how we solve problems between people.  Now I don't think that we can really go around solving other people's problems.  I know several people who have tried unsuccessfully to do that for years.  But what I want to talk about today is a great personal triumph for me.

Think with me for a minute about learning how to drive a car.  If you had never done that before and had never even seen a car, do you think you would be capable of driving one?  Let's say you managed to get the car started and drive it.  Since you don't know the traffic laws, there is a very good chance that you will wreck that car and quite possibly get someone else hurt right?  Well that's the way I think I have been with conflict resolution for most of my life.

If you are married or in a serious relationship, you are going to have conflict between the two people in the relationship.  If you aren't, you are going to have conflict between yourself and your friends and all sorts of other people.  Now for me, resolving conflict with friends has always been fairly easy but for years I have had conflicts with people who are close to me and had no idea how to resolve it correctly.  As I have said before, for a long time I simply turned my emotions off.  That wasn't the best thing but it made conflict resolution easy.  How?  Well, most of the time I would other people simply run over me. Whenever there was a conflict I was normally the one to try to keep the peace.  I read in the bible that blessed are the peacemakers and I tried to be a peacemaker.  The problem was, many of the people I knew only wanted peace on their terms.

That typically didn't work out well for me because I just gave in.  Was there really conflict resolution?  No because I just bottled up all the hurt and never found a balanced, healthy way to resolve it.  Part of my problem was having to deal with people who didn't know how to resolve it either.  Most of them learned that the way to resolve conflict was to get mad and yell.  If you show enough anger then the other side will back down and the conflict is resolved right?  In the short term, that is true but it is very damaging to a relationship.  So that way doesn't work either.

About a year and a half ago, the Lord really opened my eyes to my emotions and how they work.  Since then, I have felt a lot of things.  Most of them are new.  Many feel good but many do not.  This brought a change in the way I decided to resolve things.  If I didn't get a good solution to the problem and one that was more on my terms then I would simply cut the offending person out of my life.  I applied this to dating and I can tell you it didn't really work either.  What I was saying then was unless you are perfect, I won't be around you because if you mess up once, you must be like the other people I have dealt with who don't know how to do this any better than I do.  Guess what, that isn't a winning strategy either.

So why am I so excited?  Well I recently dealt with a person over a particular issue.  On the issue in question, the other person did something that aggravated me a little.  Now fortunately, I read a book earlier that day discussing conflicts and how we resolve them.  Some people believe that how you resolve conflict will indicate how long you stay in relationship with someone.  If you don't do it well, that relationship won't last.  Well in this particular case, I ran a quick errand to give myself a little breathing room to think through things a little.  When I did, here is what I discovered.  This issue did irritate me and it would be unhealthy for me ignore the emotion.  However, in the grand scheme of life, it really wasn't that big a deal.

The other person in this situation could sense that I was offended and thus became a little defensive.  I was able to share how I felt.  It didn't take long and as soon as I shared my feelings and knew the other person generally cared about how I felt, all of my aggravation over the situation left.  I felt much better.  At the end of the discussion this person felt better too.  The funny part is that I don't know if the other person has had much success in life resolving personal conflict either because I sensed this person was waiting for me to attack.  When I didn't it seemed like it was a little shocking to that person as well.  Did it feel great?  Yes!  I finally let something bother me, expressed my emotions in a calm and respectful manner and then the situation was resolved.

So what did I learn?  When you have a problem with someone, you need to acknowledge that their is a problem.  Don't stuff it down but don't react out of anger either.  Take a few minutes to cool off and get your head under control.  After that, take the time to express yourself in a respectful way to the other person.  After that, you will feel better.  Now let me also say that it certainly helped that I knew the other person loved and cared about me.  This particular person is also very level headed and very capable of rationally discussing the situation which was a big plus.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

The Box

Hello everyone,

Today I reposted what I believe to be the most significant thing I have ever said.  The post is called, the Box.  Recently my girlfriend and I were discussing homosexuality and I will not discuss whether it is right or wrong.  You have a bible, find out for yourself.  But I do want to stress that hate for people of that lifestyle is totally wrong.  See our job isn't to judge it's to love.  If you look at thing's through the lense of the Box, it will change the way you look at people.  So, here's the Box.




I have given this a lot a of thought and I believe that the Lord showed me something that changed the way I view people.

You see, when God creates a person he gives them abilities, passions, desires, talents and all sorts of wonderful attributes that we seldom ever see. Then he takes all these things and puts them in a box with silver wrapping paper and very pretty red ribbon tied in a bow around it. He calls the box - You. It is a present to the world. When I saw this for the first time, I looked around at all the people walking by and said to myself, "Merry Christmas!" because all I could see were beautiful boxes waiting to be opened.

The problem is many people don't even know what is in their own box much less have taken the time to look in someone elses box. This starts when we are in school. As we grow up, we learn all kinds of new things about ourselves: what we like, what we don't, the changes that our bodies go through, we learn things in school about the world and we learn about social interaction. But sometimes that social interaction teaches us that the stuff in our box isn't all that important.

Have you ever felt like the stuff inside you doesn't really matter? Can you look back to a point in your life where you were doing something you really enjoyed and someone else called it or you stupid or worthless?

When you pull the most precious parts of your life out of the box and let other people see them, it is scary because you are definitely vulnerable at that point. But know this, the Lord put all those wonderful things inside and they are of great price and value. Don't let someone cheapen what is so precious by their comments.

Everyday, I see people who are alive but aren't living. I think it is because they have told themselves that the treasures in their box aren't important or worth much so they don't do anything with them. They may not have done this openly but below the surface it happens. You have to know that if God took the time to create you and put all those treasures inside you, they are important both to him and to me.

When was the last time you looked in your box and pulled out something you truly enjoyed and used it? When was the last time you opened the box? When was the last time you were passionate about anything? Are you so caught up in the rat race that your box isn't important any more?

Here is another interesting question - When was the last time you opened up someone else's box to see who they really are and celebrate the gifts inside them? Do you always know what is wrong with your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, kids, friends, parents, family, coworkers but never look inside the box for what is so awesome about them?

Husbands, what would happen if instead of criticizing your wife, the next time you saw her, you decided to look at something that was so precious to her, so beautiful, so tender, so amazing and something she loved about herself? What would happen if you nurtured that gift and encouraged it to grow? What would happen if, after you opened her box, she decided that your box was the most special one on earth and decided to touch the core of who you are? What if you both decided to go deep in your relationship?

Boyfriends, what if you looked at her and decided that you wanted more than just what was inside her clothes, you wanted what was inside her heart. Girlfriends, what if you decided that you wanted the same thing? What if you wanted to explore who they are and make them the best person they could be while they did the same thing to you? What if you looked at them and asked, "What can I give?" instead of "What can I get?"

Is this a little intense? Yes. Is it worth it if just one person decides to open their box or open someone elses? Yes. You see, I believe that I got to see a little glimpse of the creation through the creator's eyes when He showed me this. It was truly an eye opening experience and I can definitely say I will never be the same. I got to see how He looked at and longs for His creation to be all that we can be and how His love for us goes so deep His heart aches for us.

So I guess the real question is what is in your box? I want to know.

That's the Opinion of His Minion

What Were You Thinking?

OK, today I want to talk about something that is extremely important - thoughts.  I want to share something that has recently come to light in my life.  My thoughts will dictate where I go for the day. 

Now I have heard people talk about this a lot and the bible even says that we are supposed to cast out bad thoughts but I never really got it until recently.  Now I have tried unsuccessfully to get rid of those bad thoughts for years and for years I thought I wasn't spiritual enough or something because it never worked.  See a bad thought would get in my head and I would start trying to get rid of it but it wouldn't work.

But here's what I recently discovered about those thoughts.  They had a very direct effect on my mood and feelings.  I once had someone tell me that I needed to lead my heart (my emotions) and I can definitely see his point.  Now I am not saying that your emotions are not important or that you shouldn't listen to what you are feeling because that's not true.  But I do want to spend a couple of minutes talking about how your thoughts effect them.

See, if you concentrate on something long enough, it will definitely effect the way you feel.  What's worse is if you meditate on something bad, many times your thoughts will run wild.  You can end up dreading or mentally walking through all kinds of situations that never will actually happen.  Have you ever gotten a piece of bad news and not been in a place where you could do something about it instantly?  When that happens to me, I can get really worked up over nothing. 

I remember just recently I was feeling like things were off.  Now as you may know, dealing with my emotions is a relatively new thing for me as I have only been doing this for a couple of years.  So as I sat there trying to figure out why I was feeling like I was in a funk, I did a mental inventory.  My relationship with my kids was very good.  I was getting them the help they needed.  I was seeing good things happening in my business.  It was growing and I had made several very positive changes that were showing great results on a business that was doing well before we made them.  I was (and still am) dating a great woman.  She is the most amazing person.  I know she loves me deeply because she tells and shows me and I love her very deeply too.

So as I sat there trying to figure out why the funk, I noticed that I felt like something was wrong and it made me feel a little strange.  But when I did a mental inventory, everything was going (and still is) great.  So what was going on?   Here is what I discovered.  When I went to bed at night, if I wasn't careful, I my mind would wander all over the place and most of the time, I was running bad scenarios through my head.  I didn't mean to do this but I didn't stop it from happening either.  Now I know life is full of things that happen that are bad.   The bible even says that we will have trouble.  I also believe that we should plan for certain contingencies in our lives.  That's a smart thing to do.  But I was planning on all kinds of stupid contingencies.  As I planned through each one that was bad, I realized that it had a negative effect on my emotions and thus a negative effect on my mood.

But there is good news!  I figured out how to cast down the thoughts and it was really simple.  You don't make them go away and keep your mind blank.  You fill your mind with good thoughts.  What if I started planning for the good things that God has in store for me?  What if I started thinking about how He wants to bless me and how He has the power to do so?  What if I looked back at some of the sweet texts that my beautiful girlfriend sends me and think about how much she loves me and I love her?  What if I start thinking about all the good things going on at work or with my kids?  I noticed that when I do this, my emotions are good and my spirit lifts.

So what am I telling you?  When you feel your emotions are in a bad place, check yourself.  If there are good reasons for your negative emotions, then don't deny them - deal with them.  But I think you will find that many times we get upset for no good reason.  When that happens make the conscious decision to meditate on good things and not bad ones.

That's another Opinion of the Minion.

Feelings

Hello everyone.  Today I want to write an opinion on something I know very little about.  So read at your own risk!

Today I want to talk about feelings.  This has been a hard area of my life to deal with.  For years, I didn't want to feel anything because feelings brought with them a lot of hurt and not much joy.  Now I am a business man so I definitely look at things in terms of return on investment and to me, if I let my feelings out then the bad ones definitely outweighed the good ones so why bother.

But then about 18 months ago, through reading a book that a friend of mine asked me to read, all those bottled up feelings came out after 30+ years of holding most of them in.  Let me tell you it was an experience.  I cried for a long time.  Then I just hurt.  Then I was so overcome with emotions that I freaked out a friend of mine by asking her out.  It was quite a mess and I realized now that I liked part of it but I really didn't like another part of it.

I liked feeling things because I finally felt alive.  Yes, it is possible to go through life feeling down and depressed and still be successful on the outside.  I did that and there were times when I had some feeling but I kept them as muted as I possibly could.  Why, because the ups didn't justify the downs.  But I did like all those feelings because at least I was alive. 

Now I have heard people say that we can't trust our feelings and that was easy for me for years because I suppressed all of them I could suppress.  But that statement is actually the point of my writing today.  I finally realized that while I enjoy all these new feelings, I can't rely on my feelings alone to make decisions about my life.  That is probably a "duh" statement for most of you but for me it is a revelation.

There are times in our lives when we want something so bad on the inside that we will do almost anything to get it.  Have you ever wanted to go out with a girl or do something so that she will notice you?  I have.  As a matter of fact, let me tell you a funny story from my time at TCU.

See during my senior year, I had a girlfriend, A.  Now A was a very nice person and I wasn't.  I was very selfish and only wanted what was good for me without really giving any thought to what was good for her.  Eventually, she figured this out and decided it was time to move on.  But since I had never really had a serious girlfriend and wanted to keep one (I wasn't in love with her but I was in love with the idea of being in love.) I decided that I was going to do anything to get her back.

So one night, I went over to her dorm and called her.  A friend of hers was there and they came down to check me out.  I made up some stupid story of being hit in the head and faked a concussion.  Or at least I did my best to fake one.  I have never had one and didn't really know the symptoms of one at the time so I gave it my best guess.  Why?  For sympathy of course.  I guess I hoped that she would take me back.  Well ultimately she took me to my parent's house.  Now my dad who used to be an ambulance driver took one look at me and knew I was faking it.  Needless to say, I didn't get the girl back.

Why did I do such a stupid thing?  My emotions told me to.  Now just today, I realized while having emotions is great, I can't allow myself to be ruled by them

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Ask the Minion

Hello Everyone.

Last week, I asked you to post your questions on Facebook and I told you I would do my best to answer them.  Before I get to the questions, let me give you a couple of things.  First of all, I am not associated with the movie, Despicable Me so any questions regarding those minions, I will decline to answer.  Second, please remember that when I write these posts, they are just my opinions and what I believe the Lord shows me.  I do not have any type of degree or certification counseling so if you have a serious problem, please seek professional help as I don't want to lead you astray.

OK, let's get to the questions.

1.  MB - How do I get a guy like you?  Let me start by saying how flattered I am at the question.  While this may sound like false humility, I really don't consider myself all that special but I am a good guy.  So how do you get a good guy (someone better than me, I hope)?  My first thought is that you have to find one.  So when you are around boys or girls, ask yourself how they make you feel and why?  Are they good to you and do they treat you right?  Do they always strive to do the right thing (even if they aren't perfect)?  Do they make you feel special and are you compatible?  Is there any real attraction between the two of you?  If the answer to these questions is yes then you have found someone.

Now here's the hard part - How do you get them to like you?  The answer is - you can't.  Just be yourself, if they like you for you then great.  If not, then they really aren't the person for you.  If you have to change yourself to be someone else for them to like you, eventually you will go back to being your real self and then you have a problem or you will change so much that you won't like yourself.  So just be you.  Be bold enough to go say hello to them and talk to them and then see what happens.  MB, if you have more questions, please don't hesitate to ask and I will try to answer.

MP - What is the meaning of life?  According to Webster's dictionary one meaning is - the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.  If you mean philosophically, I really don't know.

TTS - Why is life so confusing when it gets hard?  There are a lot of reason for that but I think one thing that happens to me is when life gets hard my emotions tell me one thing and my head tells me something else.  When that happens, sometimes my heart is right, sometimes my head is right.  The only thing I can tell you is to take your decisions to God.  When you get peace from Him about the right decision, then go with it.  I will probably try to expand on this in another post.

JAE & AA - What's your favorite food? - That is a hard question and the answer changes based on the mood I am in at the time.  I like almost all kinds of food.  Over the course of my life, my absolute favorite has probably been pizza.

KL - Why does God allow awful things like abuse, especially child and domestic to occur? The Lord is supposed to be this all-knowing, all-loving, kind, caring God. Yet He lets his children suffer?  KL, I have struggled with this question for many years.  I mean, why did God let the serpent take the blessing in the garden of Eden anyway?  Part of the answer is that we are free will beings and we can choose what we do.  Thing about this - If you could make someone love you and you knew that the only reason they loved you is because you made them, would you make them love you?  I wouldn't because it wouldn't be real love.  I believe that God set a system in place and he expected us to follow that system.  As adults when we don't then there is the risk that we will get hurt.  Now let me say, I can feel pain from thinking about child abuse and I don't know why this happens.  It is so awful and so wrong.  I believe that God's hands are tied in certain places and sometimes he can't interfere but I really don't know why.  Now I can hear some of you saying that God is all powerful and he can do anything.  If that's the case, why did Jesus have to come die for my sins?  KL, I don't feel like I did a good job of answering this question but I hope this helps some.

PC - Who is better - Batman or Superman? - In my book, Superman is better.  Why because he always stood for truth, justice and the American way plus he could fly and was super strong.

FB

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Heart

Today I want to talk about heart.  When I was in high school, I was on the football team.  Notice I did not say I was a football player because I really wasn't but I was on the team.  Now we had a coach named coach S.  He coached the defense when I was in school and he was meaner than a junkyard dog.  Now I don't know if he is the first person I ever heard say this but I can see him saying it in my mind.  I can see him saying, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."


Before I get into this, I am NOT advocating dog fighting and that is NOT the point of that saying.  What it means is that sometimes you don't look at what a person looks like on the outside, you look at their insides.  Many times a football team can win a game against a better team just because they wanted to win more than the other team.  Because their hearts are consumed with winning and it grows to such large proportions inside, it comes out and they can win.

Not that many years ago, I was running 5K and 10K races and I was placing very well in my age group.  I even won a couple of times.  Now I am only 5' 7" tall and have short legs.  I was running against guys who had longer legs and had more of a runner's body.  Why could I beat them - heart.  I was determined that no one was going to work harder than me.  I wanted to be the best runner that I could be.  Interestingly enough, I never felt like I was in competition with anyone but myself.  I didn't see a guy who I thought was in my age group and try to out run him.  I just tried to do my personal best every race.  That attitude helped me to do very well.

So why am I writing this today?  Because I have seen several people who have given up on their dreams and their goals.  While I was on a recent trip to Seattle, I watched some kids playing hide and go seek in a park.  This one kid was taller and had longer legs that most of the other kids playing.  There were even some really young kids that he certainly could have out ran and tagged before they got to base but he convinced himself that he could not catch anyone and the first round, he didn't.  Why?  Heart. 

He didn't have the heart to run.  Is it really necessary to have a lot of heart and win one for the Gypper while playing hide and go seek?  Of course not.  At the end of the day, who won or lost at hide and go seek is totally irrelevant.  But let's look at a couple of other scenarios that are a little different.

Many of you know that I am a lawyer by training although I don't practice. It was the last semester of my final year of law school and my brother told me, "Don't quit.  You are almost there."  At that point, I was in the top part of my class and doing great.  Quitting had never entered my mind.  But what if it had?  Where would I be if I didn't have the heart to finish?  I wouldn't have a degree.  Some of you may be considering dropping out of high school.  DON'T QUIT.  You can make it.  Some of you may be considering quitting something else like a job or a relationship or something else.  DON'T QUIT.  You can see this through.  Remember this - Tough times don't last.  Tough people do.

So I will leave this where I started.  It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.  You may be going through something bigger than you.  Remember that the you on the inside is much bigger that the you on the outside especially if God is on the inside you are bigger than the problem you face.

I've done it again.  I blogged myself happy.  That's another Opinion of the Minion.

Be You

Today I want to deal with another subject that grew out of a very sensitive conversation that I had with someone recently.  As in my last post, I will not go into the situation because it was a very sensitive one and it could cause the person who talked to me harm even though I don't think anyone involved reads this blog.  I am not sure why people want to talk to me but it seems that they do.  (If I am fortunate, it is because people see the love of God come through me to them).

Let me use an example from my own life to illustrate my point.  When I was married, I changed a lot.

Some of it was for the better - I was a financial train wreck waiting for a place to come off the tracks for many years of my life.  As a matter of fact, some people who knew me back then thought I was crazy for going to law school because I was so irresponsible that they didn't think I could make it through.  Eventually I changed over time and grew out of that which is a very good thing.

I also became a father.  That was definitely a change for the better.  When the movie, Courageous came out I watched it and my heart broke.  I realized then that I did not know how to be a great father and I really wanted to be one.  Now I don't think I am a bad dad but I definitely know I can improve.  But being a dad for the first time definitely changed me in a good way.

But I also changed in some not good ways.  I quit being myself because part of me seemed to always make my ex-wife mad.  The Bible says that people who make peace with other people will be blessed so I always tried (most of the time unsuccessfully) to make peace with her.  But in doing so, I lost touch with part of who I was.  I was never really comfortable around her.  I don't think that she was responsible for this.  As a matter of fact, there are parts of me that I should have refused to change because they were really who I am. 

As an aside, don't use this as an excuse to be mean or act inappropriately to anyone.  I can hear some guy saying, "Well I just like a lot of girls.  That's part of who I am so it's OK for me to date other girls while I am married to someone."  NO I am not saying that.  Quit being a jerk.

But what I am telling you is that you need to be true to who you really are.  If you like football, that's OK as long as it doesn't rule your life.  If you like romantic movies, that's OK as long as it doesn't rule your life.  See it is important to stay true to yourself.  Don't let people change you to the point that you don't even recognize you anymore.  That's a mistake.  Now I have decided to just be me.  That doesn't mean that everyone has to like me.  Some people probably don't but that's OK. 

So I want to leave you with this.  Stay true to who you are.  Be you.  Do the right thing even when it's not popular but be you.

That's Another Opinion of the Minion

Do Nice Guys Finish Last? (Part 2)

Last time I wrote, we talked about how to define a nice guy.  Today I want to deal with the question - Do nice guys finish last?  Most of you probably have not read a post that I did about this time last year discussing why women can be so attracted to guys who are not very nice to them.  Well today let’s look at this from the other side of the equation.

In high school and in our 20s I think it is very difficult for us to know what exactly we want.  We want everyone to like us.  We want people to want to hang out with us.  We want admiration from our friends.  These things are all OK but what this really defines is “being popular.”  Unfortunately at that age, we don’t know how to be comfortable with just being us so to make ourselves feel better we put other people down.  Now if you are a popular kid then when you put someone else down they are “unpopular” right.  

So if you are a girl which group do you want to be associated with?  The “popular” crowd or the “unpopular” one?  That’s a no brainer right?  Well let’s look at the nice guy for a second.  Think of the nicest guy you know.  Does he typically go around putting other people down?  I doubt it.  That’s what makes him a nice guy.  Is he typically going to be in with the “in” crowd?  Many times not.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you are popular that you are not a nice guy because that just isn’t true.

But I think girls in high school are attracted to the popular guys because they are “popular.”  Nice guys in that group may be seen as finishing last.  I mean when a girl says you are a great guy or a nice guy isn’t that the kiss of death in high school?  I know I always felt like that was the case.  However something interesting has happened since I got out of high school (which was 20+ years ago).  I discovered that women’s opinion of what they want change.  When the most popular guy in the school struggles to hold a job, doesn’t appreciate her the way he should and never really does things for her, all the sudden her opinion of being with the “popular” guy changes.  

Just a side note for everyone struggling with this issue who is in high school today.  One day after you graduate high school popularity will mean nothing.

Anyway over the course of time the “nice guy” starts to look much more appealing.  What girl doesn’t want to feel special and be with someone who treats her like she is a princess?  Does that sound like a fairy tale?  Well to some degree in real life it is but I think that we guys can be nice and treat ladies the right way.  See guys, here is what I found out.  When you are over 30 and a woman tells you that you are a nice guy, that is no longer the kiss of death.  In fact, it can be just the opposite because a lot of times that lady is so tired of being with someone who doesn’t treat her right that she is actually longing for a nice guy.

I am dating a truly amazing woman.  She is everything I want and so much more.  She is elegant, classy, beautiful, funny, smart, intelligent and I could go on for a while.  When   one of my friends met her, his first comment was how is she even available to date?  Another friend told me that I had far “out kicked my coverage.”  That’s a football term but it is a high compliment for her.  Another friend of mine asked me if she was as pretty on the inside as she was on the outside.  On a scale of 1 to 10 she is an 11.  And here she is attracted to me!  I still find that hard to believe.  But I bet you if you asked her what attracted her to me one thing she would probably say is that I am a nice guy.

That’s another Opinion of the Minion.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last? (Part 1)

Today I want to talk about something I have heard more than once.  Have you ever heard the saying, "Nice guys finish last"?  Well I have and for a long time I sort of thought it was true.  But I have to tell you that at age 40, that's not true at all.

Before we get to the nice guy part, which I may have to address in the next blog, we need to distinguish between being nice and being a door mat for other people.  See for many years I considered myself a nice guy and I really am one.  Before everyone gets all wound up, I don't say that with conceit in my heart.  If you asked my mom or any of my friends they would probably tell you the same thing.  If you asked God I know he would tell you that.

So as a nice guy, here is the mistake that I made.  I have always wanted to be considered one of the good guys.  Several months ago I started dating an amazing woman and I have met several of her friends and family.  They all seem to have a very high opinion of me and that really blesses me.  It doesn't bless me because I want everyone to think highly of me, although I do.  It blesses me because it says that there is evidence of me becoming the person I have always wanted and that other people can see the evidence.  That is truly a blessing.

However, for many years I thought that I was only a nice guy if everyone else around me said so.  In other words if I did something that was unpleasant to someone else and they didn't like me, it meant that I was not a nice guy.  Let me give you an extreme example.  This example is made up and I would not have felt bad about it but hopefully you will see my point.  If a guy was robbing a gas station, I might not have called the police because I was afraid the guy holding up the gas station would not like me.  If he didn't like me then I must not be a nice guy because my definition of being a nice guy centered around everyone else liking me.  That sounds pretty silly right!  Of course it is!  But how about me letting people use me occasionally and take advantage of my generosity because I didn't want them to get mad at me?  That happened a few times.  Now if you are my friend and/or family, I am not pointing fingers at anyone and I am not thinking of anyone specifically so please don't feel like this is pointed at you.

I can even give you bible reference for some of my problem.  Jesus said if a man asks you to go a mile, go two.  Now we all know that Jesus is love so he must be a nice guy.  If Jesus said to do it, then I should do it.  After all, I am trying to imitate Jesus.  Or how about the time Jesus said, blessed are the peace makers. Jesus also said that strife was bad.  So my philosophy was to keep the peace, avoid strife and give more to people than what they asked.  Sounds good right?  Well, I got very out of balance in this area and it took me several years to understand this.

So what is the difference between the two situations I discussed.  When I talked about people who think I am a nice guy, I know that I am one.  Wether or not someone else notices doesn't change that fact.  In the other case, I used what others thought to define me.

So what am I trying to say?  Before I get to whether or not nice guys finish last, we have to define "nice guy."  A nice guy is someone who is helpful to others, respectful, caring, understanding, etc.  Now I may not be all of those things yet but I am striving to be.  Just because everyone doesn't like me or I do something that makes someone else unhappy, doesn't make me any less of a nice guy.  I guess this all gets back to defining yourself by who you are and what the bible says you are, not what other people think of you.  Next time I will talk about whether or not nice guys finish last.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Funny Stories

Ok, we all know this is true but how many of us actually do anything with this.  The Bible says a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.  Lately, I have discovered this fact again.  Lately, I laugh much more.  I enjoy life much more.  I am not sure that my writing is funny but I hope some of these stories will make you laugh.

This past Sunday, I was waking my daughter up so we could get ready to go to church.  She is one of the most beautiful little girls you have ever seen and when she is just waking up she looks like an angel.  So as I was talking to her trying to gently bring her fully awake and she smiled up at me and said, "Dad, do we have to go to church today?"  As gently as I could, I replied, "Yes sweetheart we do."  Her reply - "Well this day is already a disaster."

The other day I took the kids to their favorite donut shop in Saginaw.  Once all of us had our favorites we were sitting eating when a young mother walked in carrying her baby girl.  The little girl was old enough to hold her head up and she was looking over mom's shoulder at us eating our donuts.  My daughter leaned over to me and said, "Dad I was that little once.   Only I was cuter!"

OK this is one for those of you who are older than 30.  One day I was talking with my daughter and I told her not to touch something or she would get cooties.  Her response - "Dad, what's a cootie."

There comes a time in the life of a parent when you have the birds and the bees talk with your children.  My oldest was in 5th grade last year and he saw a film explaining the whole thing.  After the film he had some questions.  So we sat for about an hour and I explained things to him the best I could.  Toward, the end of our conversation my oldest asked, "Dad, when do I have to do this?"  I told him he should wait until he was married.  His response - Whew, that's a relief.  I just hope he keeps that attitude until he is grown.

My middle son was talking to me one day about one of his favorite things at the time - Thomas the Tank Engine.  He told me that he was going to give away a lot of his toys which I thought was really sweet.  He had seen Toy Story 3 and this was what Andy did in the movie.  However, he told me that he was going to keep his train table and give it to his kids to play with.  "Matthew," I asked, "do you know what you have to have before you can have children?"  "No what," he replied.

"A wife," I said.
"OK dad."
"Do you know what you have to have before you can have a wife?"
"No"
"You need to have a girlfriend."
With the most dejected look on his face, he said, "You have go to be kidding me!"

There is a good friend of mine who I go to lunch with regularly.  Now he has a pretty dry sense of humor but he is really funny.  So one day we go to a restaurant in Fort Worth and the hostess asks Ellis if he has a smoking preference.  My friend joking replies, "Marijuana."  She edges a little closer to him and says, "Me too!"  I have never seen him turn so red.

Today I was talking to a guy that works for me.  I told him that I dropped my girlfriend's car off at the local Subaru dealership to have it serviced.  To which he replied, "That's nice.  What kind of car does she drive?"

I hope at least one of these made you laugh a little.  If you have any funny stories, I would love to hear them.  Please let me hear them.

That's another Opinion of the Minion. 

Friends vs. Family Part 2

Hello Everyone,

Below please find part two of my sister-in-law's thoughts on why relationships with our friends can be more successful than relationships with our family.

CO-
This brings me to the topic of family. I believe that family should be respected and viewed on the same level we would give to a close friend to be successful.  However, we usually fail for several reasons.  Family is something we do not choose. We are born into our family. We are usually able to choose our spouse therefore to some degree we also choose their family. Unfortunately most, usually do not consider the family they will be marrying into. At the risk of sounding tacky I would like to say that we get stuck with the family we have. Family is harder work than any friendship will ever be. I think this is because we can choose our friends and enjoy them, but family tends to operate differently. We are supposed to love our families despite any characteristics they have that become unappealing to us. We do not get to out grow them, or let them fall away when we suddenly have nothing in common with them any longer. Our brother will always be our brother. Our sister will always be our sister, and our mother will always be our mother, and hopefully, done right, our spouse will always be our spouse.

In most cases I think families are more complicated and harder to get along with. I do believe our families love us, or at least the family that we are connected to by blood loves us. However, I also think that our family tends to forget that we are people too. Rather, they see us as the daughter, the son, the niece, the nephew, or the grandchild. I know this sounds like I am reaching and stretching this to make a point, but I do believe there is a difference. It is as though there is a chain of command and everyone has a title over a name. It is set up in the family from the beginning of our lives that our authority is our parent, and their authority is there parents, and so on. There are other authorities over us though they are lesser because what mom and dad say comes first. We are taught to listen to our aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I am not saying this is a bad thing. What I am saying is that as we mature and become adults, our families do not let loose of their authoritative roles in our lives. Rather than letting us go to live our life, make our mistakes, and be happy for our successes they try to continue to control us. The sad thing is that as adults if we do not do things the way they think we should then suddenly we are not honoring them. I have found that manipulation runs rampant in families and I have yet to meet a family that does not do this to some degree. Families set up expectations of us that are not achievable. It is kind of like a snare set up for failure and I do not even think they are aware of the fact that they do it. Sometimes they demand more from us than we are able to give. Our families haven't any qualms about being judgmental toward us and often they lack understanding, and have no interest in gaining any because they have already decided they know what is going on and how to fix it, when they probably don't.
 
To Be Continued......
The Minion

 

Why is It Always About You?

This is the title of a book I read on something called narcissism.  One definition of this word is an unhealthy love for ones' self.  Here's what I found really interesting about this.  According to the Bible, in the last days (before Jesus returns) people will be lover's of themselves.

Before I go any further, let me quickly say that I don't have one clue when Jesus will return.  I don't think the world is going to blow up tomorrow or that aliens are plotting with President Obama and the Chinese to overthrow Luxembourg or any of the other crazy rumors you hear these days.  I will also let you in on another secret.  I am not all that anxious for the Lord to return.  Let me tell you why.  Most of the people that I hear today who are anxiously awaiting God's return are also broke down, busted and disgusted people.  I don't want to be chased off this planet with my tail between my legs in Christ's return.  I want to finish my course and when I have been successful at everything that the Lord has for me here, then and only then will I be ready to move to Heaven.

However, I do believe that we are getting close to the return of Christ.  When will that be?  The bible says that God hasn't even told Jesus the exact time.  So if He hasn't confided the exact time in Jesus, I think it's a pretty safe bet that He isn't going to tell me either.

But I think I now understand what this whole concept of people being lovers of themselves means.  It means they will be narcissistic.  Is this a bad thing?  Yes.  Why am I bringing it up?  Because being around these types of people can be extremely unhealthy and there are going to be more and more of them on the earth.  If you are around friends who are like this, you may want to consider whether or not it makes sense to continue to hang around with them.  Also, we all need to check ourselves from time to time to see if we are acting this way.

The reason I find this so interesting is because I have talked to several people lately who were in counseling sessions (no, I am not a counselor) with other people who were diagnosed with this problem.  There is a healthy form of narcissism and I think we need to understand that it is OK to think about yourself and to take care of yourself.  But what we are talking about here is an unhealthy situation.

So let me give you a few things that are characteristics of narcissism:
1.  Like the title of the blog, for some people everything in their life has to be about them.  They can never talk or do anything that doesn't relate to themselves.  They also have to be first priority over everyone else.
2.  Most of the time, they don't apologize when they do something wrong or their apology is a very sarcastic one.  The reason this happens is that a narcissist believes their world is completely perfect and that they are perfect.  They have a hard time understanding that it's OK to have imperfections.  But like we have discussed before, no one is perfect.
3.  They project anything negative onto other people.  This sort of goes hand in hand with number 2.  If someone tells them that they are wrong about anything, someone else is always to blame for them being wrong.  For example, if you tell a narcissist that they were rude to a store clerk, the narcissist will always blame someone else for why they were rude.
4.  They rarely have the ability to make anyone else happy unless they are completely happy.
5.  Because they have to keep their world perfect, you cannot tell them that they are a narcissist because it would mean that they have an imperfection.

There are others and if you feel like someone in your life really has this problem, I encourage you to get the book with that title and read it.

So why am I telling you all this you ask?  Because these types of people can be very draining.  If you have friends like that, you might want to seriously consider whether or not the friendship is worth it.  If we stay in friendships like that, they are very draining on us and can ultimately do us a lot of emotional harm.

But here is the other reason I wanted to write about this.  I want you to take a look at those five items again.  Now this is going to be very hard because if you have a problem, then it will be difficult for you to admit to this particular one.  But I want you to ask yourself honestly if any of those things apply to you.  I don't want you to be overly critical of yourself.  Just because you came up with an excuse for something you did yesterday doesn't make you a narcissist.  However, if you can't admit that you are wrong, you do have a big problem.

See I was like that for a long time in a couple of areas.  I could not admit that I had a problem with food and I could not admit that I had a problem spending money.  Both were true but this was especially true with money.  I was a financial disaster.  It hurt not only me but also my family and I could not admit to myself that I had a problem.  Finally for me, I had an incident happen that actually woke me up.



That's another Opinion of the Minion

Trust

Hello All,

Today I want to talk to you about trust.  For some of us, trusting people can be a very hard thing to do.  If we have been hurt by something or someone, trusting becomes that much more difficult.  Today's blog will not be about trusting someone else.  Today I want to write about something that has been very hard for me until just recently.  We all know how hard it is to learn to trust other people but for me it was even harder to trust a very important person - myself.

For many of you this may not be an issue and if you know me, you might be surprised that this was an issue for me but in certain areas of my life.  I had to learn to trust myself.  Have you ever heard the saying, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck?  Well for me, if it walked and quacked like a duck, I still might have thought it was a pelican.  Why?  Good question.  I don't really know the answer.  But I will tell you that not trusting myself was causing me some problems.  See when we don't trust ourselves, we are always unsure of what to do.

Don't get me wrong, even if you totally trust yourself, there will be times when you don't know what to do.  In those cases, the best thing to do is to get quite until you have peace about doing something.  If you are a Christian, peace is one of God's ways of letting you know what he wants you to do.

Now specifically for me, I had to learn to trust my own instincts when it came to dating.  Because I haven't been in the dating world in a long time, I went to some friends of mine and asked their thoughts on dating and how to do it.  I specifically asked about online dating.  A friend, CS, told me that I should try it after I got divorced because he had friends that done it and had success.  I was very skeptical to say the least.  So after talking to another friend of mine about online dating, I set up a week where I was supposed to have several dates with different women during the same week.  After all, that was the way to work this online dating thing.

I was also got some good advice about how to work things if you found someone you liked.  In order to not appear desperate, I was told to wait to contact a person until the next day and always wait a couple of days before you tried to schedule another date.  You really didn't want to appear desperate as that frightened girls away.  So I took all this good advice and was prepared to follow it.  Why?  Because the advice came from people with more experience than me and that made sense.  However, I learned an extremely important lesson during that week.  First of all, I didn't go on all four dates.  I didn't need to.

On the second one, I found someone I really special.  She truly is an amazing woman and I am very blessed to have her in my life.  On our first date, we went to lunch and talked for three hours.  I think we have talked to each other every day since.  Anyway, after lunch as we were walking out to our cars, I had a decision to make.  I could do what I was told or I could trust my instincts.  The advice I was given was good advice but I decided that I just needed to be myself and do my thing my way.  So I asked this person if I could see her on Sunday of that week and she said yes.  It was simple as that.

After that, I cancelled the other two dates because I wanted to get to know this person better.  When I did it, one of my friends made fun of me a little for doing it.  He is a great friend and he had my best interest at heart but I had learned to trust me by that point and knew I did the right thing.  See I realized that I was never going to be the guy who could date multiple women at the same time.  I just don't have the time or the energy to do it.  I also realized that I had found a truly unique person who was definitely worth getting to know more.  To use a football analogy that a friend of mine told me, I had out kicked my coverage.

The interesting thing is that after my friends met this particular woman, I think they are more interested in inviting her to things than they are inviting me!  I could go on for a long time about her and maybe I will in a different blog.

I don't know if any of this would have happened if I hadn't learned to trust my own instincts.  I just did what I had peace to do and the rest took care of itself.

So what am I saying.  Trust yourself.  You will be glad you did.

That's the Opinion of the Minion

Peace

Hello All,

Today I want to talk to you for a few minutes about peace.  This subject keeps coming up in my heart and it's my assignment for this post.  When I say peace, I'm talking about peace inside us.  I am not talking about world peace because while I believe that would be an amazing thing, I don't believe that we will see it until Jesus comes back.

However, isn't inner peace something we all want?  Have you ever heard a parent say I would just like a little peace and quite around here?  Have you ever been at a lake when the sun comes up in the morning?  I used to go to a lake west of Fort Worth and one of my favorite parts of the trip was the very early morning when the dew was still on the ground.  Most days you could see deer walk through the front yard going down to the lake to get a drink.  The birds chirped softly in the background and the temperature was still cool.  I loved it because I felt like I was at peace for a few minutes.  Getting the lake or the ocean still causes me to feel peaceful today.

Now let's talk about things that make us lose our peace.  There are people in my life that make staying peaceful difficult.  Normally it's because they aren't at peace and their actions can be really annoying.  I am sure there are people who would say the same thing about me at different points in life.  Are there people in your life like that?  Let's take it a step closer.  Are there members of your family like that?  For most people, the answer is probably yes.  That's sad but true.  Guess what, we can't do anything to change them.  One of my favorite prayers is the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Maybe there are circumstances in your life that cause you to lose your peace.  Do you have a bill that you don't know how to pay?  How about some other financial need that you don't know how to provide?  Maybe you have a low grade in school and don't know how to bring it up.  There are all kinds of circumstances in life that will cause us to lose our peace.  While this is a blog for a different day, let me say that there are ways to change our circumstances.  But many times we cannot change our circumstances instantly so what do we do while we are going through them?  How do we keep our peace?

Maybe the answer is that we can't.  Maybe we should just continue to blow a gasket every time someone or some circumstance causes us to feel stressed, etc.  Many of us would like to stop right there and use this as an excuse to blow up whenever we feel like it.  Now we should admit that we are mad.  Trying to pretend we aren't isn't good because it's a lie.  It's OK to feel mad or upset.  It's even OK to get mad but when we get upset we lose the peace inside us.  When we lose our peace, we are normally feeling stress.  When our body is under stress there are all sorts of bad things that happen over time.  Also, we feel anxious.

So what's the answer.  Well you may or may not like it but we have to chose to stay peaceful.  We have to make the decision that peace is something important to us and we have to protect it.  Now most of you know that I'm a Christian.  Jesus said that he gave me His peace.  It was a gift he gave to me but just like all of His gifts I have to chose to recieve it.  After I recieve it, I have to protect it.

If someone was breaking into your house to kidnap someone, would you try to stop them?  Sure you would.  I would even have tried to stop them from taking my little brother when we were kids.  Now PK, you are on your own.  Just kidding.

To me, inner peace is becoming more and more important.  It is definitely worth protecting.  There have been two instances in the last three days that have caused me to quit walking in the peace Jesus gave me.  In both instances, I had to decide that I was going to remain at peace regardless of the situation.  That is the real key, you have to decide that you are going to stay peaceful.  Yes, this is something you can do if you chose to do so.

The first time, I was driving out to pick up my kids.  As I got to a spot in the road where my lane merged with the lane next to me, the car in the other lane got in front of me and then started driving slower than I wanted to drive.  I don't really have road rage and I really didn't get super mad but it did aggravate me.  Now here's the great part of this story.  As I started to get mad, I recognized that I was losing my peace.  When it happened, I decided that it wasn't worth losing peace over and immediately let go of it.  Instantly I became much more peaceful.  I finally learned how to protect my peace and was successful doing it.  For me, this was a major break through.

The second time I got an opportunity to practice what I am saying to you happened about an hour ago.  I was faced with a situation that challenged me.  This one involved a person in my life.  I won't go into the situation but let's just say it was one that I have dreaded for some time.  I knew it was going to be unpleasant and involve drama that I did not create but nevertheless would have to deal with.  Because I have know for a while that it would have to come, it has caused me to lose my peace several times in the past.  Guess what, after the encounter today I lost my peace again.  However, this time I realized what happened.  It took me a few minutes in the fresh air to think through the situation and I decided that losing my peace and contentment was not something I wanted to do.  Honestly, I still don't know what to do with this person.  But I do know this, I will remain peaceful.  I have chosen not to let this person bother me.  If I can do it, you can too. 

To summarize, one of the most important things in life is inner peace.  It is something to be desired, achieved and then protected.  We have to chose to stay at peace regardless of our circumstances but it can be done.

That's another Opinion of the Minion 

A Minion's New Year's Resolution

Hello everyone.  It's that time of year again.  It's New Year's Eve.  Many of us will spend tonight going to parties or celebrating the passing of the old year and the ringing in of a new one.  I firmly believe that 2012 will be my best year yet.  It won't be the best year that I am ever going to have but it will be the best year yet.  (Thanks Dan Stratton for that saying)  Why do I think this?  Because I have faith that my God is able to do what he said.  It's the great thing about serving a God who is alive.  He can still perform signs and wonders like no other God can.

But that's a post for a different day.  My assignment today is to talk about New Year's resolutions.  Many of us (including me) have made them in the past and with the best intentions we start into January with a changed life.  For many years my New Year's resolution was always to quit eating badly, exercise and lose weight.  I exercise at a gym in Fort Worth that I dearly love.  It's where I lost all my weight and I still enjoy working out there.  I would almost bet you that there will be several new people in the gym the next time I go who will not be there by the middle of February.  I know that I was one of those people for many, many years.  I had the best intentions but no real commitment.  I could only resist giving my body what it wanted in the way of food for so long and then I would give in.  I might lose 10 pounds only to gain it all back plus five more at the end of my "diet."  Let me say this about diets.  If you go on a diet, you will lose weight but when you get off the diet, you will probably go right back to where you were before.  Don't go on a diet.  Change your life.

So am I saying don't bother making a New Year's resolution at all?  Don't attempt to improve your life or change things about yourself that you don't like.  Of course not!  If you have read many of my blogs you know that's not the case.  Well then, you ask, what are you telling me Mr. Minion?  What I'm telling you is that New Year's resolutions shouldn't be taken so lightly.  If you are going to change something about yourself, there is a high probability that it will take a lot of work and perseverance.  The only place that success comes before work is in the dictionary.

Does this mean that I don't think you can do it?  Of course not!  I know you can change anything you want to change.  I did.  I once was extremely overweight and now I am not.  What I want you to do before you make a New Year's resolution is count the cost.  Prepare yourself for the battle.  If you just make a half hearted resolution, you are setting yourself up for failure and that hurts.  I want to see you succeed in anything you set your mind to do (as long as it's a good thing).  When I finally made a change in my eating, it was after several months of preparation to do so.  I took me a long time to finally get honest with myself and admit that I had an eating problem.  After that, I had to go before God and ask his help in getting free from carbohydrate addiction.  There may be another way to do this without God but I don't know what it is.  I tried on my own for many years to lose weight with no success.  After this process, I was able to make a commitment to lose the weight and God gave me the ability to persevere through trials until I lost weight.

Let me summarize by saying this.  Please take your New Year's resolutions seriously.  It's OK to make them.  Just count the cost and be prepared so that you can be successful.  If you are a Christian, take your resolutions before God and ask for his help.  Then know that you will have to stand through some adversity if you are going to see your resolution fulfilled.  Remember this - there is never a testimony without a test.  I know you can do it. 

Wishing you a very Happy New Year - The Minion

Is It Real?

Today I want to talk about something that is a little strange to me.  The question is - Is it real?  Is what real, you ask?  When someone tells you something nice is it real?  Several months ago, I wrote a blog about the Box.  It was probably the most significant thing I have written thus far because it meant so much to me.  In this blog, I wrote about how we should look at the stuff that is on the inside of people and not the outside.  I think it is important to see the great things God has put in all of us.  Now it may have been the same blog or maybe not but I also wrote a little about how to take a compliment.

Recently, I have been around someone who has taken the time to take the lid off my box and see what's on the inside of me.  This person has been very complimentary of me and to be honest, it is a little unsettling.  I am not really sure how to take it.  She's used words to describe me like nice, sweet, caring, etc.  She even went as far as to say that I was a good man.  I am extremely grateful for the compliments and I believe that they are from the heart and sincere but they made me a little uncomfortable.  That made me consider my own actions a little.

When I am around someone, I try to be very positive.  I have worked hard to be someone who sees the best in others.  While I am not perfect, I feel like I have come a long way.  Like I have said before, I'm not where I want to be but thank God, I'm not where I used to be.  But I got a lesson today in how it feels to have someone do the same thing back to me.  Now it is unsettling but in a good way. 

I recently told someone that I thought they were a very special person and the response I got was not surprising.  That person basically said she struggled to believe what I was saying but she was working on believing it.  I have had this answer before in a different context and I wasn't shocked.  What surprised me a little was that this person didn't believe me.  Now she didn't think I was lying, she just found the nice thing I said difficult to believe.  At the time, I didn't understand why but now I think understand why she felt this way.

Have you ever been around someone who tells you one thing and then does another?  How about someone who tells you that they love you and then they do hateful things to you?  What message does that send?  Actions speak much louder than words so the actions certainly override the words.  Also, for some reason pain has a much more lasting effect on people than love.  At least on the surface this is the case.  So when we feel pain, the thought of it stays longer than love although love will impact you on a much deeper level.  But after someone hurts us, especially if it's for a long period of time, we really have a difficult time believing someone else when they say something nice.

Let me ask you this.  Has something happened in your life that makes it hard for you to believe things when people say nice things about you?  Maybe your self esteem is so low that it makes it hard for you to believe the nice things that people say about you.  The truth about the matter is that everything God ever made is amazing.  He made you and by definition that makes you an amazing person.  God wrote a whole book about you and how amazing you are.  The book says you were made in his image.  If someone tells you any different, ask yourself who's lying?  Is it them or God?  I choose them.  If someone tells you something good about you, it's probably true.  Now I do believe that we need to watch out for people who say nice things to manipulate us.  However, there are many people who just recognize the amazing gifts that God put in our box.  When that happens, let it soak through your skin like rain into the ground and get to your heart where it can grow into something amazing.

Today as we were walking, this person told me that I was pretty special.  I know what she says is sincere and I should have been able to believe her and just say thank you.  However, this is hard for me because it's hard for me to feel worthy of the compliment. There is a fine line between believing that we are worthy and being arrogant.  For years I have tried to hide behind humility to avoid compliments.  Now true humility is good and I try to be a humble person.  But I would avoid compliments or block them out because I didn't feel worthy of the compliment.  Instead of dealing wih not being worthy, I simply chose to believe that accepting a compliment could make me arrogant.

I am learning to accept these things from people and let them cause a harvest of good things to grow from my heart.  In truth, we all need to learn this lesson.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

The Love Tank

I am not sure if today's blog will be something truly meaningful to anyone but me.  However, today I want to reflect on something interesting in my life.

For the first time in some time, I am actually content.  Today I sat for a little while and thought about why.  What I came up with actually startled me a little.  There is an author named Gary Chapman who wrote a book called "The Five Love Languages."  It is a very good book and if you haven't read it, you might consider it.  Now in this book, he says that we all have a love tank inside of us and that we all have different things that fill our love tank.  While I'm not sure his list is all inclusive, I can't think of anything that would not fall into one of those five categories.

Also recently, I was talking to a very special person in my life and she made in interesting observation.  She said that her heart was full.  I remember at the time this struck me as something interesting.  She recently told me that she ponders things in her heart and I guess that I have been pondering that statement ever since. 

I think she was saying that her love tank was full and since I had read a copy of Gary's book that was directed at children, this concept really stuck out in my mind.  I don't believe in coincidences and I believe that the Lord was trying to show me something but it took me a little while to understand what.  See, I think for years that I have been running on a love tank that read - empty.  There are a many reasons for this and I certainly won't try to address them in this post but suffice it to say that is the way I have felt. 

Now have you ever heard the saying, what goes around comes around?  Well, I believe that is a true statement.  Some people call it karma but in all reality, it's a principal that comes from the bible.  The bible describes it as sowing and reaping.  In other words, what you sow, you are going to reap.  Most of the time we all think of this as doing something bad.  A while back, I played a little joke on my mom that we both laugh about and recently someone else played the same joke on me and we both laughed about sowing and reaping.  Have you ever hear of something bad happening to a bad person and then heard someone else say that person got what was coming to them?  Well, I think that can be true at times.

But what if the opposite was true?  What if when you do good things for people, that same type of stuff happens to you?  I almost find this hard to believe for many reasons but I know the bible is true and so it must be true that when I sow good stuff, I eventually reap good stuff.  For years I have tried to be someone who sows good stuff into other people's lives and didn't really see the results I thought I would see back.  I remember writing a blog this summer where I talked about breaking the cycle of being hurt and hurting other people.  In that blog, I talked about how Jesus was hurt by John the Baptist's death and how he helped people even though he was hurting.  I hope this doesn't come across as bragging because I am not.  This is just a point that needs to be illustrated.

As I sat here today, I realized that I truly was at peace.  I'm not restless, not in a hurry, not trying to figure out what to do tomorrow.  I'm just content.  Why am I content?  Because that love tank or my heart, however you want to classify it, is full.  Now I have always tried to be a giver but I can tell you that when your heart/tank is full it is much easier to give than when it's on empty and you are doing it out of obligation.  There is someone who will read this and know that they are one of biggest reasons my tank is full.  To that person, let me say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  That wasn't the only source that filled my love tank but it was the biggest.

So what can we learn from this?  Well there are a few things that I can think of.  First of all, keep doing good things for people.  If you do that, sooner or later things will start coming your way.  They used to sing a song in church and one of the lines was, "You've gotta keep on casting your bread upon the water.  Soon it's gonna come back home on every wave."  This is true in life.  Second, don't quit.  My mom sent me a link to a blog by Pastor Bob Nichols and the first line said, "Don't quit on your first day and don't quit on your worst day."  I like that a lot.  Sometimes, you will wonder what's taking so long for the good things to start happening in your life but don't quit.  They will come if you keep at it.  Lastly, for now, it's OK to be happy.  This content feeling bothered me because I was so used to not feeling it, it took a couple of days to get used being content and understanding that it was OK to feel this way.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

Believe in Yourself

Today I want to encourage you to give yourself a tremendous gift this Christmas season.  Believe in yourself.  That may seem pretty hard to do.  I know it is for me sometimes.  Now when it comes to what other people think, I guess I look pretty "successful" but there are times when I have trouble believing in myself.

There are going to be times in your life when this is a very difficult thing to do.  Especially during the holiday season, it can be easy to get depressed and down if you let yourself.  My friend, Kari already posted something in her blog about this and I will try to deal with it later myself.

The reality is that you have to believe in yourself if you want to be truly successful and happy in life.  It is very easy for me to believe in other people and their abilities.  Do you think you can write a book?  I believe you can.  Do you think you can go to school and get a degree?  I believe you can.  Do you think you can overcome being overweight or some other addiction?  I believe you can.  Do I believe I can do any of those things?  Yes on the last two and I am working on the first one.  Now especially when it comes to writing, I didn't really believe that I was a writer until recently.  I must say I enjoy the experience.

Did you know that you can have self confidence in one area and lack it in another?  I know I do.  My daughter gave me a great glimpse this weekend of what self confidence looks like.  We were sitting at breakfast eating donuts when a mom walked through the door carrying a baby.  Many times when we see a little child, I tell the kids that they were once that small and we all laugh.  The mother had her back to us and the baby was big enough that he was holding his head up and it was above mom's shoulder.  Before I could say anything to my daughter, she said, "I was that big once."  She beat me to the punch and I smiled.  Then she leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "But I was cuter."  She obviously has no problem believing that she is a cute kid.  She certainly gets plenty of confirmation from everyone about this fact and that's good.

For me, I used to be fat but now I am not.  I must admit that I struggle in this area a little.  I don't have a bad self image but if a woman shows interest in me (for all my friends, yes it does happen occasionally), I have a hard time believing it.  That's not to say that it is an every day occurrence by any stretch of the imagination but it's nice when it happens.

I struggle to understand why it is so easy for me to have confidence in some areas and lack confidence in others.  I think it's because I am human (as much as I hate to admit it sometimes).  However, you have to believe in you before anyone else will.  Before anyone ever told me they appreciated the Minion, thought, I had to believe that I could write and do it.  Before anyone told me that I could lose weight, I had to believe that I could and change my lifestyle.  Before anyone ever believed I could go through law school, I had to prove to myself that I could.  Do you see the common thread?  Also consider this, if I had never took action on my belief, I would never have gotten anywhere in any of these areas.

See, faith in yourself or in God without works is dead faith.  You cannot truly believe in yourself without taking action in a specific area.  If I really do think I am a good guy, I should ask a girl out.  If I don't believe in myself enough to ask, how can I expect her to say she will?  And if I never ask, we know for certain that she never will.  Also, let me leave you with one more thought on the subject.  Let's take dating because the illustration seems clear to me right now.  If you want to go out with a girl and you never ask her out, you will never go out with her.  However if you ask her, she might turn you down but she might actually go.  Don't be afraid to fail forward.

So what am I trying to tell you?  You must believe in yourself and you must do so before anyone else will.  We will truly know if you believe in yourself by your actions.  Until your believe motivates you to act, it isn't really faith, it's still just hope.  So what are your dreams today?  Believe in yourself and give yourself a chance for success by taking a chance.

That's another Opinion of the Minion

My Oldest Son

In keeping with my theme for this month, I want to send another letter.  This one is to my oldest son.  I am so thankful for him.

Dear David,

As I write this, you are going through a hard transition in life.  Some of this is just part of life and some of it is because of your mom and I.  You are adjusting to 6th grade, changes in your attitude toward girls and unfortunately mom and I's divorce.  It is a lot for one kid to handle and I think you are doing such a good job.

As I look back on my how I have done as your father so far, I am a little sad because I know that I could have done much better.  I was just recently that I realized how little I knew about being a Godly father.  It is my whole heart's desire to teach you to be one in the few years we have left before you step out on your own.  I want to prepare you to be a Godly man.  If I can do that, I have succeeded beyond my wildest imagination for you.  The strange thing is I think in spite of all we have done, you are already becoming a very Godly young man.

I am so very proud of you.  Whether you know it or not, you started school when you were three years old because you had speech issues.  This was due to a hearing problem you had as a little tyke.  Now when I was in school kids in those classes were sort of looked down at and made fun of.  When I was in school, those kids barely made it through.  But not you.  You went from needing help with speech to all honors classes.  You are a really brilliant young man.  I also see things in you that I never could be at your age.  I look at you and see courage.

How?  Well, it took courage to ask that girl to the homecoming dance.  I would never, ever have done it because I would have been too afraid.  When we talked afterwards, you told me that your heart was pounding in your chest pretty hard and that even though when you asked her the dance had already passed, she was nice to you with her reply.  Son, I want you to remember that feeling and what you did.  There will be many more opportunities in life for you to feel that way and make a decision.  You are going to be in places where you risk rejection in your life.  It just happens.  But you possess that special quality called courage.  Don't ever change that.  Take risks because if you don't, you won't have rewards.  I know you didn't see it that way then but that's what you did and I am extremely proud of you.

Son, you are growing up so fast and it seems like it will only accelerate from here.  As you get older, I want you to understand something.  I heard a story about the head of the Salvation Army.  You know those guys who stand ringing the bell at Christmas time asking for donations.  Well they take those and use them to help people who need it.  One year, the head of the Salvation Army was going to send a telegram to all his offices around the world.  He wrote it out and then went to send it.  When he got to the telegraph office, he realized that it was too long and he had to cut it down.  So he trimmed it down to one sentence. Again, it was too expensive to send.  He finally trimmed it down to a single word - others.  Son, that's what our life is all about.  We are to help others.  You have to let the Lord show you who and how but always remember that's what life is about.  As you get older, you will see people who define success by how much education and money you have.  I thought the same way for a long time.  Don't get me wrong, money and education are important but not as important as people.  Think of others and ask the Lord to show you who you can help today.

Lastly, I want to talk to you about what you are going through in school today.  I know some of the kids make fun of you.  That really hurts your feelings and quite frankly, it just plain sucks.  When I was in school, kids did the same thing to me.  Grandma and Grandpa did they very best they could but I didn't wear brand name clothes like the rest of the kids and some people made fun of me a lot.  I also got made fun of because I had big ears and I had a lot of pimples.  It really hurt my feelings.  Son, as you go through these times, know that you were not alone.  Guess who else was made fun of and people talked bad about? - Jesus.  I guess that puts us in pretty good company huh.  You may not see it now but this will pass.  Just keep doing the right thing because it's the right thing.

I cannot begin to express how impressed I am with you.  You are smart, handsome, loyal, you love God, you aren't afraid to share your faith, you know how to build stuff, you always try to help your brother and sister, and you are a really respectful young man.  No matter what you do, know that I will always love you.

Love,

Dad

That's another letter from the Minion

Thanksgiving

For most of this month leading up to Thanksgiving, I will try to write something that relates to me giving thanks.

I think this subject is very often overlooked and even though I have written on it before, let's take a look at thanksgiving from a little different angle.

Today I am thankful for - Resistance.

OK, you say, this topic already makes no sense.  Hold on, I will try to explain.  When I was in high school, I liked to lift weights.  In fact, I still work out quite a bit today but I am not near as strong as I was back then. 

Let's look a little closer at weight lifting for a minute.  One of the most important exercises for us in high school athletics was the bench press.  I had a pretty good bench press but was by no means the best.

For those of you who don't know the bench press works like this.  You lay flat on your back on a narrow bench (hence the bench press).  There are stands on either side of that bench that hold up a metal bar.  The ends of the bar were slightly larger than the middle it that's where you put the additional weight.  So while laying on your back, you extend your arms until both are gripping the bar and you move the weight off the stands.  Now the bar is above you.  You lower the bar until it touches your chest and then you push the bar until your arms are straight.  Back then I could max at about 300 pounds.  But as you can imagine, if I had dropped that weight on my chest it would have done substantial damage. 

Also, every time I did a repetition, it would break down my muscles slightly.  This doesn't make much sense right?  Well, you have to throw in one more element to see the benefit - time.  It would take some time but my muscles would heal and when they did, I would be stronger than before.  The total amount I could lift would actually increase.

Most of you can probably see where I am headed right.  Many times in life there are things we come up against that don't want to move or worse yet we come up against things that would do us substantial damage like the bench press bar would have done to me.  However, don't get so upset with the setbacks in life because many times they will help you grow stronger.  I am not saying that any of them are fun but sometimes we have to be torn down a little to grow beyond our current limitations.

Now I want you to notice one more thing and it is one of the hardest things for me to deal with.  After my muscles were torn down, what did it take for them to grow stronger?  Time.  Don't be upset if your growth or what you need to overcome a situation doesn't happen over night.  Just know that you will grow stronger.

And that's another Opinion of the Minion